STATUS ANXIETY

OOOH GIRL. There’s nothing like being in a new place with only a handful of acquaintances to make you face yourself. Every damn day I'm challenging my belief system like I’m Tom Cruise in The Last Samurai (full disclosure, not a movie I’ve seen). 

Most recently, I've come face to face with the fact that I’ve been secretly status obsessed while believing myself to not be status obsessed. 

Now that I've been spending a majority of my time hanging in the suburbs when I hear myself start sentences like, 

"Oh I know so and so,"

 “I went to X NYC restaurant” 

  “I saw them film this,”  

“He lives in my neighborhood, well my old neighborhood,”

I am struck by how empty and sad it is.

Who gives A F U C K who I saw or if I went to a trendy restaurant, is that really how I’ve come to build my foundation of self worth? BY WHERE I USED TO EAT DINNER?

And yet, seriously, I’m realizing the answer was a resounding YES. I felt smug about my travels and all the places I would go to in New York City. I truly believed I was sophisticated because my favorite wine bar made me feel like I was someone. As far as I was concerned, I was living in the center of the universe and had it all figured out. 

Until I asked myself one key question:

1) Why am I doing this  

As I’ve begun to question my actions, the majority of the time the answer has come back, “to make it look pretty from the outside.”

Dark reality: 

The majority of my life decisions have been made for an invisible audience. I’ve stuck with choices long beyond their expiration because I was caught up with the entirely wrong metrics. I hadn’t stopped to ask myself, but does this actually make me happy?!  

Woah. Mind blown, right?  

My shift in perspective has come about slowly and then has snowballed the more I begin to samurai sword myself through the swirling BS.  

Here’s what I’ve learned: it’s either right or it’s not.

I have wasted a lot of time on not right.

Why? 

Because I’ve been chasing that elusive dream of Instagram perfection. I let the pressure from society influence me to believe that looking a certain way or having certain things is how I can attain happiness. I let the drive for status override my own inner compass. I’ve been going out and living it up when it turns out that I don’t even like to drink. When it turns out I don’t really like crowds. When it turns out I don’t really like to stay up late. Maybe I did, but it was driven by insecurity more than a desire to actually enjoy nightlife. 

So, is my whole life a lie? 

No! I value my experiences and I learned so much from living that life. It’s also what gives me so much more clarity now that I’m able to cut out the baloney and see what I actually like free of attachment to status. 

The biggest realm where I was chasing status? DATING. I lived my life like I was the star of my own dating reality show. 

 And it’s kind of like, you know literally so insane to admit, but it’s real and it’s true. My whole dating perspective was:

How can I change or make myself acceptable for you?

What are the other people who see us thinking?

WOAH.  

Now it’s:

THIS IS ME if you don’t like it, here’s the fucking door

How did I get here?

I met someone.  

Ugh. I know.  

We met and everything clicked for me, like how much of my life was performance.  

Why did I realize this? Because I realized I was just having fun. I am myself. I used to subconsciously pick fights with all of my boyfriends so that every time we hung out there was drama. I thought that was normal. Now? It’s just easy. I genuinely like hanging out with this person because I actually like this person for who they are and not for anything I gain from them. NOVEL CONCEPT!

It has been a shock to the system because now I actually understand what it’s like to live authentically.  

Here are some truths I’m living now:

My worth is self-defined and comes from within. No one can take it away and it doesn’t come from how I look or who approves of me. The more I ask myself what makes me happy, the more I don’t need to identify with external sources like clothes, jobs, or any other status symbol. 

I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE.  

I wake up and and I’m grateful to spend time on earth with my partner (instead of secretly suffering).

I firmly believe that this is out there for everyone. 

Do not compromise.

I don’t have to and neither do you. Why would I want to fake it for someone? Literally everyone loses like Oprah in hell. You lose. HE LOSES. SHE LOSES. Whoever you are with loses. Once that clicked, it has been the biggest eye opener. 

The other million dollar come to Jesus moment?  

If it’s not a match, that is not a reflection on anyone’s value.  

Whenever it wasn’t a match, I would either devalue myself or the other person. I would suffer in silence or try to change someone or just generally cause trouble instead of moving on! 

Why was anyone’s value on the line? It’s just not the right match - that’s literally it. 

If I don’t like oranges, that doesn’t make oranges trash. 

Ego man. Always fucking with everything.  

Now that I’m beginning to untether from status, I feel free.  

I know that my clothes don’t make me valuable, I know that my make up doesn’t make me pretty. I know that my job doesn’t make me important.  

The world is completely new.  

Are you ready to ask yourself why?     

In case you needed the reference :)