WHEN DID YOU STOP TRUSTING YOURSELF?

For a long, long time – I’ve been hidden. Holding the important things safe, close to me, protected. 

TL:DR; It has taken a solid ten years to start unraveling the layers of protective wrap. 

In my 20s, my priority was safeguarding myself above all else. I could tumble through life protected and safe, free from judgment! It was a win win win!

AND HOW DID MY DELUSION WORK OUT FOR ME? READ ON! 

Recently someone asked me, "when did you stop trusting yourself?" The honest answer is college. I was confident AF in high school and breezed through those 4 years waking up every day pumped to go to school, be on my sports team, date, talk about boys, be in the gossip wheel, and just generally live a teen movie as my actual life. I know that I am infinitely blessed to have had that experience. My insecurities though, came out to play when it was time to pick a college. I was too afraid of rejection and what it would mean about me to even apply to the schools I really wanted to attend. So instead, I picked one school that I was overqualified to attend, applied binding early decision and took away all the elements of fear/ uncertainty/ unknown entities.  

If now is where you give up, the takeaway is safety is an illusion.

The opposite of feeling safe, my first two years at college were such a reality check hot mess that it culminated in an existential meltdown at the beginning of my junior year. I was left questioning everything and completely bewildered at how much I didn't know myself. Instead of doing the work to dig in to my identity, my hopes, my dreams, I decided I could fake my way to 'be normal.' I hooked myself a 'normal' boyfriend and pretended EVERYTHING WAS A-OK. If I had a cool normal boyfriend, I was ok, right? RIGHT?? SHOVE THOSE FEELINGS DOWN GIRL, that never goes wrong! My gut told me to drop out of school, but I trusted everyone else's opinion and not my own. ALAS, I like learning things the hard way. 

IF YOU STOP READING NOW - THE TAKEAWAY HERE IS LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT LIVES WITH YOUR CHOICES. BLOCK OUT THE NOISE FROM OTHER PEOPLE. 

So, FAKING IT UNTIL I WAS MAKING IT WAS THE NAME OF THE GAME Y'ALL. I figured I could do the work externally. Of course, I didn't realize I was doing this consciously, it just sort of happened. I call it societal programming. Moved to New York to pursue being a power couple with the boyfriend. Tried to be whoever I needed to be to keep the boyfriend BECAUSE BOYFRIEND MEANS I AM AWESOME (spoiler: ultimately lose the boyfriend). Changed my hair until I felt like I looked the part (Instagram has some of the evidence, but know that I've tried all variations of long hair, short hair, black hair, bangs, blonde, highlights, red and pink). Bought clothes until I felt like I looked the part. Dated all the men in the world who appeared to have their life together so that it would appear like I had my life together. NEVER ASKED MYSELF AND WHAT IS THE PART? DO YOU EVEN LIKE ANY OF THESE GUYS? WHAT WAS THE ROLE I WAS TRYING TO FULFILL? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. A HEX ON YOUR HOME, SOCIETAL PROGRAMMING! Are you seeing the theme? Desperation for some co-signing.

I looked on with envy/ longing/ confusion/ wonder when I saw other people follow their dreams. How do they deal with the possible rejection? The possible judgment? I CAN'T EVEN MANAGE TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT I REALLY LIKE. Eventually it started to bother me that people were judging my "fake life" as my real life. Then I felt like I had a secret life and a public life. It was weird. Oof, what a tangled web. The problem with being hidden is that I got so good at hiding, I was hidden even to me.

If you stop reading here, the takeaway is to ask yourself what you like. 

EVENTUALLY I started to realize I needed to do the work on my own, that I wasn't going to get where I needed to get going to through my outer appearance or through who I was dating. Side note, I sound awesome, right? 

Here are some things I learned: 

Cool platinum hair doesn't make me a cool person. Long hair doesn't automatically protect me from rejection and mean dudes will love me. A wild undercut from a barber doesn't magically turn me into a take no prisoners badass. (THERE WERE A LOT OF WISHFUL HAIRCUTS). Being quiet doesn't make me mysterious or more likely to be liked, being a loud person doesn't make me instantly popular or appear more confident... THE LIST COULD GO ON FOR..EV...ER. I THINK I MAY HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. AND I MEAN EVERYTHING. 

All these attempts at escape, including a significant move and a 180 on my career trajectory and guess what, I WAS STILL ME WITH ALL THE SAME PROBLEMS. WHYYYYYYY. (we're up to age 27 at this point) 

And yet, I STILL RAN from knowing myself. Until it just became too hard to pretend anymore, and I realized it wasn't serving me well to keep my secrets so guarded. I started pursuing my likes (REIKI & KUNDALINI YOGA WHATS UP) on my own and telling a few people about my secret dreams, the ones that seemed possible at least. I wrote down in a journal my desire to form a small group circle where people could talk earnestly about their lives, mirroring the experience I had in high school of my Bible study group which was less Bible study and more support. Do not doubt the power of the written word, because within 1 month I found myself surrounded with a community of people who are uplifting, positive and driven. Then, through the power of the ask because of the encouragement from a best friend, I was at the helm of the Circles program through the Medi Club community. Within 6 months of writing out my secret hopes, I was helping connect others, forming new friendships and even finding my voice as part of a large community. IT WAS THRILLING. In fact, I hadn't felt more alive in a long time. 

And after a while, it dawned on me, why did I think that I wasn't deserving of my wildest dreams? If I'm living either way, why choose to live a life that's not the best expression of my soul? I had to ask myself the hard questions, block out the noise and focus on finding out what the hell I saw for myself as my purpose. I found my way through yoga, meditation, journaling and connecting honestly with friends. Courage and confidence are crucial, but I cannot stress enough how critical it is to surround yourself with a peer group that is positive, encouraging and making SHIT HAPPEN. My friends are my biggest champions and help give me my power to live authentically. 

Once I found myself surrounded by people who believed in themselves, I was able to build back my own foundation stronger than ever. The courage of the group gave me courage.

Community is everything to me and that's what's up right now.