EXERCISE IS SPIRITUAL WORK

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Elle Woods (as played by Reese Witherspoon) in Legally Blonde

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THINGS THAT MAKE ME MAD: THAT SOCIETY SOLD ME THE LIE THAT EXERCISE IS FOR PEOPLE TO BECOME THIN AND BEAUTIFUL AND IF YOU AREN’T TONED AND THIN YOU SHOULD FEEL SHAME AND DEFINITELY MAKE SURE YOU ARE SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME WORSHIPPING TINY, TONED, YOUTHFUL BODIES AND REMEMBER ABOVE ALL THAT IF YOUR BODY ISN’T THAT IDEAL BODY THEN YOU SHOULD REPENT.

I think a lot about how unconscious we are when participating in society. It’s like David Foster Wallace’s This is Water; we accept things and forget they exist to the point that we’re blind to them.

Beauty standards are so ingrained in our culture that we do not realize they are another layer of keeping people repressed and separated from our bodies, distracted from living our authenticity.

It is SO alarming to me that exercise is perceived mainly as a tool for weight loss and maintenance instead of an incredibly powerful spiritual tool for connection and clearing.

When I was a fitness instructor, it was eye-opening to see how many people engaged in exercise from a standpoint of body punishment. I’m here because I’ve been bad, I’m here because [insert someone pinching their own skin for dramatic effect]. UGHHHHH. NO. NO. NO.

Of course, I’m mad because I fell for it too. I used to exercise for all the wrong reasons. I wanted so desperately to make my body comply. I didn’t feel acceptable, so maybe if I could shrink my body, then maybe I’d earn the right to exist and take up space. I exercised in semi-secret, embarrassed at how much effort I put in to exercising and still then I didn’t feel the right to call attention to my athleticism, as I was never enough; not thin enough, not strong enough, just never enough.

It may seem wild to know that it was an episode of GIRLS triggered a change, but truly it was this scene that blew the lid off my world. I was like OH MY GOD. Exercise is for all of us. It’s for the endorphins, not the the physical aesthetic results.

What if instead of participating in exercise for weight loss + aesthetic reasons, I participated in moving my body purely from the standpoint of enjoying and experiencing endorphins?

I stopped punishing my body with grueling workouts and started only going to classes that helped me get in tune with my body; gentle yoga, yoga + reiki classes, yin, restorative, gentle heated yoga… mmmm.. places where I could tune in and let go of all the bs that had been weighing me DOWN.

Exercise and movement is one of the most powerful ways that we can connect with the moment, be present, and shift out stuck emotions and experiences.

In their amazing book, Burnout, the Nagoski sisters, Emily and Amelia talk about how you HAVE to move your body until you find a release otherwise you’re trapping stress emotions in your body, it’s why endorphins are so important. We’re moving and releasing all our stress and being rewarded with feel good chemicals, but if we feel like the only way to engage in exercise is from a standpoint of body control, we’re missing the purpose and losing out.

WE CANNOT LET THE PATRIARCHY TAKE THIS ONE.

Like Elle Woods, my observation is simple - what if we can let go of what our body looks like as the ultimate goal of a workout, but instead focus on the glow?

Can we choose to focus our energy on how our bodies feel instead of how they look?

What would it look like if we used movement and exercise as a time to connect and excavate stuck emotions instead of a time of punishment or escape?

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Understanding Conditioning: Body Image + Human Design

I remember distinctly being in 4th grade and the girl next to me in music class lamenting her “fat thighs.”

As I heard this girl tear her body apart, I was struck by what she was saying. I hadn’t really given too much thought to my thighs before this moment and her words drove into me like a wedge.

Was I supposed to hate my body?

PAUSE: Human Design immediately makes me think about childhood body image? YES.

A huge part of living your design is releasing the conditioning that you’ve picked up along the way that pushes you to live in your NOT SELF.

As adults, we know that this 9 year old didn’t authentically hate her “fat thighs,” she was simply reflecting the conditioning of her family and the cultural beliefs that she had absorbed from her environment. Something I reference all the time on my instagram is the Beauty Redefined book and teachings. Lexie and Lindsay Kite, PhD’s have researched exactly how women are taught to self-objectify themselves and the harm that causes.

Finding the beliefs that keep us stuck from being ourselves is one of the first steps needed when you are working towards living YOUR fulfilling life. If you are living in a woman’s body, chances are you need to work through your self-objectifying beliefs so that you can get into your authentic desires and energy.

To connect to our inner voice and guidance, we must be IN and connected to our bodies. Facing memories and beliefs about what keeps us disconnected from our bodies is a HUGE part of the process. It is not pretty, it doesn’t really feel good either, but it is a part of the process that allows you to get to a place of authenticity within yourself and isn’t that the whole point of being alive?

Competition, comparison, body image issues, it all starts YOUNG. It serves as a distraction from living your life. It is also strategically used to oppress women because we can’t move forward if we’re too worried about how we look.

In Human Design terminology, this is called conditioning. We are conditioned to fit in and be acceptable so that we get our needs met. Women believe that their value is tied to how they look and therefore we shut down huge swaths of our authentic selves to divert precious resources to making ourselves “acceptable.” But you are not a stock. Your value does NOT rise and fall in concordance with your physical appearance.

Why does this matter? Conditioning holds us back from being who we are. If we are worried about HOW WE LOOK, then we are not clued into HOW WE FEEL.

How you look may get you rewarded externally for a bit, but tuning into how you FEEL will lead to actually being aligned with your highest self.

When we are in flow we are freely allowing our unique energetic signature to beam into universe with clarity.

When we are living in our NOT SELF, we’re scrambling or hiding our energetic signature - and we’re not calling in the correct opportunities and people for us.

In order to clear out our conditioning so that we’re beaming out a clear signal, we’ve got to get in our bodies to feel our authority so that we’re not overthinking and getting stuck in our conditioning.

Embodiment is the antidote to self-objectification. Striving to live fully in our physical being leads to our full expression of being. 

Embodiment is a word thrown around a lot lately. But what does it really mean when someone says this? If we look to the dictionary, we see embody to mean giving a body to a spirit. I see embodiment as a channel to deeper self-understanding. We need to be fully grounded in ourselves (our body) to make decisions that are truly the best for us. 

I find it can be helpful if we all understand that embodiment simply means being grounded in our body. Now, this isn’t a seamless transition. It’s taken me a long time to drop my self-objectification and just allow myself to BE. It feels awkward at first to not participate in diet culture. I felt self-conscious to just let my body be - but the more I just allowed myself to be, the more I realized I could hear what my body was saying. I felt what a yes and no was in my body.

Allow embodiment to be a daily practice. Notice how often you are disconnected and watching yourself in life. Gently steer yourself back into the present moment.

What do you feel? I found that slow flow yoga and yin yoga really helped me connect into my physical being. A physical practice of any kind that helps you be present and in the moment will help you connect to your inner voice.

Want to learn more? Let’s chat

BODIES, BEAUTY STANDARDS AND THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING

When I began teaching fitness, my own vanity was like, YES NOW I WILL FINALLY ACHIEVE MY PERFECT BODY.

UGH, BODIES.

BEAUTY STANDARDS.

THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING.

This is something I rarely, if ever, address with myself.
I’ve driven myself crazy for years striving for the “perfect body.”

Let’s just get one thing out in the open; teaching fitness does NOT automatically hand you a banging bod. I’ve learned firsthand that you don’t get to look like a VS model just standing in a studio every day. (You are born that way or you aren’t.) Coming to terms with this has been very upsetting.

Teaching fitness also doesn’t include a new personality transplant or superhero self-control. I know, very to extremely disappointing to learn.

I’ve found out that being a fitness professional is not a shortcut to perfection.

Can anyone else relate to trying to achieve perfection through the following labels?

Whole30

Vegan

Clean eating,

gluten-free

sugar-free

dairy-free

Girl, I’ve tried it all.

I’ve also sought to be alcohol-free, caffeine free, and any number of the above labels to telegraph to the world that I am free from sin, I am free from judgment and I can't be judged, because of my label is my shield. Therefore, I am exempt from judgment.

OOF. Let’s talk about a losing battle.

Now more than ever, I think the pressure to be thin and have glowing, clear skin can be perceived as a moral failing. Many alternative healers and lifestyles touted in Goop and the like make it seem that if we aren’t eating plant-based, sugar-free, gluten-free (or whatever is in rn) then we’re going to inflame our system to high heaven, die from depression and our vaginas will stop working. Now, let me also be frank and say, almost 100% I subscribe to these kinds of alternative healing ideas, but to what end? If I end up blaming my own lack of self-control and then shame spiral? THEN WHAT?

I cycle through love for my body and contempt for myself because I FUCKING LOVE FOOD and to the detriment of my own mental health, I’m also very susceptible to wishful thinking. I think, “oh, I could do that keto eating program, I could give up sugar/ gluten/ carbs forever, I can become a disciple of Amanda Chantal Bacon aka health and wealth incarnate AND THEN I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE.” Inevitably, 2 hours later, there’s been at least one chocolate bar or one cookie or one “health” smoothie later, I’m like, ok, tomorrow. TOMORROW IT HAPPENS.

Inevitably that cycle means I live under a mental cloud of what if’s and willful denial of my own nature.

But recently, I had a moment of surrender.

When I’m training clients, the clients who accept their limitations and modify to meet their needs accelerate through the workout more than those that deny their true fitness level.

So while it feels so counterintuitive, the first step to grow or change is accepting what is.

Huge personal eureka moment: accepting doesn’t mean I like it.

Accepting something doesn’t mean I agree or that I give up,  it just means I acknowledge the facts. Therefore, I had to accept some crucial facts about myself if I wanted to take away the power from IF/THEN and move the power back to myself and loving myself AS IS.

So here are some frank conversations I’ve had with myself over the past few months:
1)    I love food (you'd be amazed at how many times I've had to have this one with myself.)

2)    Joshua (fiancé) works for a taco restaurant 

3)    I hate cooking

4)    I am not someone who will succeed with a stringent eating plan or any sort of restriction. Anytime I’ve tried this is what happens: Eat a smoothie and salad, feel great! working out, not working out, working out, go out too late, BURGERS BURGERS BURGERS, 4 GLASSES OF WINE, TAKE OUT TAKE OUT TAKE OUT fuck I have to eat something healthy. SALAD? MUST GET BACK ON WAGON. CANCELS YOGA 7 TIMES AND THEN GOES TO ONE YOGA CLASS, FEELS INVINCIBLE THEREFORE PROBABLY SHOULD GET SOME MORE BURGERS, OH WAIT I’M HEALTHY NOW SO, ONE RUN, ONE EARLY MORNING SPIN, RINSE. REPEAT.

At what point do I work with myself?

One of the really cool things about my job is interacting with a lot of exceptional people from all walks of life. I’ve got fitness buffs, newbies, and every shape, age and whatever else you might want to throw out there.

And here’s the thing, I don’t judge any of them. Hand to God, I think all of them are amazing. I love hearing their stories, seeing their progress and just generally being in the presence of kind, fun people that like to work out (and laugh at my jokes).

When I recognized the beauty and strength in those around me, I was able to really see it in myself.

Surrender and acceptance lead to mental freedom. I am my own worst critic. We're only judging others because we're judging ourselves. When I recognize that, I can set myself free.

The takeaway: 

Self-love and acceptance do not spring from external changes in appearance, which I should know as I’ve cycled through endless fashion choices and hair colors and styles in search of both.

Confidence, self-love, and acceptance are what I am really seeking when I envy someone’s put-together look or strong core.

If I only accept myself within a set standard, then I'm not loving myself.

If I genuinely love myself, then I'm gentle and kind to myself and that naturally extends to others.

If you see someone make others feel bad or say that only a certain look is acceptable - then that is evidence of their own thought pattern that isn’t loving.

Let me address that this work is obviously in no way finished. It is not a linear process nor am I practicing this 100% of the time. I do think though, that the more we can name what burdens us, the more we can free ourselves.

I'm proud of all of the work I've been able to accomplish this year that was triggered by my move to Austin.