BODIES, BEAUTY STANDARDS AND THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING

When I began teaching fitness, my own vanity was like, YES NOW I WILL FINALLY ACHIEVE MY PERFECT BODY.

UGH, BODIES.

BEAUTY STANDARDS.

THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING.

This is something I rarely, if ever, address with myself.
I’ve driven myself crazy for years striving for the “perfect body.”

Let’s just get one thing out in the open; teaching fitness does NOT automatically hand you a banging bod. I’ve learned firsthand that you don’t get to look like a VS model just standing in a studio every day. (You are born that way or you aren’t.) Coming to terms with this has been very upsetting.

Teaching fitness also doesn’t include a new personality transplant or superhero self-control. I know, very to extremely disappointing to learn.

I’ve found out that being a fitness professional is not a shortcut to perfection.

Can anyone else relate to trying to achieve perfection through the following labels?

Whole30

Vegan

Clean eating,

gluten-free

sugar-free

dairy-free

Girl, I’ve tried it all.

I’ve also sought to be alcohol-free, caffeine free, and any number of the above labels to telegraph to the world that I am free from sin, I am free from judgment and I can't be judged, because of my label is my shield. Therefore, I am exempt from judgment.

OOF. Let’s talk about a losing battle.

Now more than ever, I think the pressure to be thin and have glowing, clear skin can be perceived as a moral failing. Many alternative healers and lifestyles touted in Goop and the like make it seem that if we aren’t eating plant-based, sugar-free, gluten-free (or whatever is in rn) then we’re going to inflame our system to high heaven, die from depression and our vaginas will stop working. Now, let me also be frank and say, almost 100% I subscribe to these kinds of alternative healing ideas, but to what end? If I end up blaming my own lack of self-control and then shame spiral? THEN WHAT?

I cycle through love for my body and contempt for myself because I FUCKING LOVE FOOD and to the detriment of my own mental health, I’m also very susceptible to wishful thinking. I think, “oh, I could do that keto eating program, I could give up sugar/ gluten/ carbs forever, I can become a disciple of Amanda Chantal Bacon aka health and wealth incarnate AND THEN I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE.” Inevitably, 2 hours later, there’s been at least one chocolate bar or one cookie or one “health” smoothie later, I’m like, ok, tomorrow. TOMORROW IT HAPPENS.

Inevitably that cycle means I live under a mental cloud of what if’s and willful denial of my own nature.

But recently, I had a moment of surrender.

When I’m training clients, the clients who accept their limitations and modify to meet their needs accelerate through the workout more than those that deny their true fitness level.

So while it feels so counterintuitive, the first step to grow or change is accepting what is.

Huge personal eureka moment: accepting doesn’t mean I like it.

Accepting something doesn’t mean I agree or that I give up,  it just means I acknowledge the facts. Therefore, I had to accept some crucial facts about myself if I wanted to take away the power from IF/THEN and move the power back to myself and loving myself AS IS.

So here are some frank conversations I’ve had with myself over the past few months:
1)    I love food (you'd be amazed at how many times I've had to have this one with myself.)

2)    Joshua (fiancé) works for a taco restaurant 

3)    I hate cooking

4)    I am not someone who will succeed with a stringent eating plan or any sort of restriction. Anytime I’ve tried this is what happens: Eat a smoothie and salad, feel great! working out, not working out, working out, go out too late, BURGERS BURGERS BURGERS, 4 GLASSES OF WINE, TAKE OUT TAKE OUT TAKE OUT fuck I have to eat something healthy. SALAD? MUST GET BACK ON WAGON. CANCELS YOGA 7 TIMES AND THEN GOES TO ONE YOGA CLASS, FEELS INVINCIBLE THEREFORE PROBABLY SHOULD GET SOME MORE BURGERS, OH WAIT I’M HEALTHY NOW SO, ONE RUN, ONE EARLY MORNING SPIN, RINSE. REPEAT.

At what point do I work with myself?

One of the really cool things about my job is interacting with a lot of exceptional people from all walks of life. I’ve got fitness buffs, newbies, and every shape, age and whatever else you might want to throw out there.

And here’s the thing, I don’t judge any of them. Hand to God, I think all of them are amazing. I love hearing their stories, seeing their progress and just generally being in the presence of kind, fun people that like to work out (and laugh at my jokes).

When I recognized the beauty and strength in those around me, I was able to really see it in myself.

Surrender and acceptance lead to mental freedom. I am my own worst critic. We're only judging others because we're judging ourselves. When I recognize that, I can set myself free.

The takeaway: 

Self-love and acceptance do not spring from external changes in appearance, which I should know as I’ve cycled through endless fashion choices and hair colors and styles in search of both.

Confidence, self-love, and acceptance are what I am really seeking when I envy someone’s put-together look or strong core.

If I only accept myself within a set standard, then I'm not loving myself.

If I genuinely love myself, then I'm gentle and kind to myself and that naturally extends to others.

If you see someone make others feel bad or say that only a certain look is acceptable - then that is evidence of their own thought pattern that isn’t loving.

Let me address that this work is obviously in no way finished. It is not a linear process nor am I practicing this 100% of the time. I do think though, that the more we can name what burdens us, the more we can free ourselves.

I'm proud of all of the work I've been able to accomplish this year that was triggered by my move to Austin.