On not being OK

two people look out into the horizon (are they looking for their flaws?)

Unraveling my perfectionism means doing the impossible - admitting that I am not OK.

Admitting where I am is the first step. I am the person that intellectualizes all my experiences so that I don’t have to feel them. I do my best to try and take a full 360 look at what’s happening so that I don’t have to *actually* experience it.

Perfectionism is the funny thing. We think we can bulletproof ourselves from pain, by creating an airtight life. Some of us are so hypervigilant that we prefer to take the first hit against outselves. A flawed logic that says, you can’t hurt me BECAUSE I DID IT FIRST.

I deeply see that growth comes from accepting where you are. We simply cannot grow until we admit we are stuck, or have been wrong, or made a mistake. However, what it’s taken me time to realize, is that if my worth is tied up in being perfect — the stakes to admitting that I need help are too high. If it hasn’t felt safe to not knowing, how do we take down the walls and experience growth?

This past year is the year I really understood and experienced that it is OK not to be OK. Needing help doesn’t diminish my value.

But, if you are used to trying to buy love — that manifests as perfectionism, trying to buy love through perfect acts makes it feel especially frightening to admit things aren’t as they seem.

Healing your heart comes from realizing your innate worth. Of course this is a tad bit more difficult to live than it is to write, but everything does come down to being willing to be wrong. To be willing to look at where I am.

I understood that I had to untie my worth from my performance, but the culture that we live sends very strong signals to the contrary. As a coach, I have seen this in my clients. I see their value even when they don’t. I understand so deeply that feeling that I am not good enough until I hit my goals. Feeling like there is so much more you can give. Feeling so frustrated that you aren’t where you know you can go.

What I saw so clearly for my clients, I wasn’t able to extend to myself. Now I see. The way to move forward in a way that feels good and supportive is by acknowledging you are already good enough. By loving yourself even though you aren’t perfect, that you aren’t at your goal. By loving myself even when I’ve made bad calls before and haven’t trusted myself completely. How can we expect to make better choices when we’re constantly beating ourselves up?

When I was a teacher and a graduate student, my research was rooted in the importance of a safe and welcoming environment. In my findings, if students didn’t have a safe environment, they couldn’t learn. The first and most critical element of learning is safety. Of course the irony was that I couldn’t quite create that for myself. I was too scared to admit how much I didn’t know to myself. I was out to prove people wrong instead, so I could distract myself from seeing how much inner work I needed to do on myself. I railed against my job and institutions about the changes they needed to make while not giving myself an ounce of grace in the concepts I knew were crucial elements of growth.

How can I provide safety for someone else or change for someone else if I can’t first do that for myself?

I have had a few conversations recently that have centered on the pressure to be certain (felt most frequently in open and undefined ajna in Human Design, but certainly also felt in defined Ajna’s as well!) These conversations forced something to the surface. I could no longer hide from the intense pressure I put on myself to have the answers in my own life.

Like so many people, I am unable to extend the grace I have for others to myself. So many of us fail to take our own good advice. I am so gentle with my clients and my friends, but when it comes to myself I have the most vicious inner voice and shame cycles that refuse to quit. After enough conversations about taking rest and feeling grateful for what you have, I had to acknowledge that hollow feeling as I spoke, I wasn’t walking my talk, because that would mean I have to face my perceived failings. I needed to keep punishing myself. I choose to fail myself first and foremost, but I also run away from really seeing the extent of this self-distruction. Is there anything more terrifying than not meeting my own expectations?

So instead of facing my self-sabotage, and consciously dealing with it, I avoided my feelings by stepping outside of myself, intellectualizing my choices and pain. Lying to myself about my circumstances instead of being brave and seeing clearly, picking out different victim narratives and when that didn’t work, choosing to numb myself through endless distractions in the news and streaming channels or focusing on how other people were making worse choices than myself.

My biggest seductive distraction is trying to free others while I myself am drowning (something that also literally happened to me as a child when I tried to save my sister in the deep end of the pool when I myself could barely swim) The biggest blessing and trap of being a Projector is that we deeply see others. We get seduced by it and it becomes this endless trail that we can follow to the detriment of ourselves.

I battle shame that I wasn’t as brave as I wish I was in the past, deeply embarrassed by how repressed I was, how small I was. How sad I was— but retreading these steps keeps me in the past and pushes me deeper into my self-repression, ultimately keeping me from showing up fully for myself, prolonging my pain.

I’ve understood that the only thing I can do (on my right angle incarnation cross of service) is to save myself, and I am ready now.

As I sit in meditation, as I get triggered by my family and life, it’s become so clear that the urge to fight and convince others that I am right is besides the point completely. I don’t have to convince anyone of anything. I don’t need to earn permission from someone else to do what I feel called to do. It is not my job to justify my life to anyone else. In trying to save someone else from their mistakes, I am avoiding the only work I have which is that I am here to work out my own salvation. I just have to save myself and tell you what I’ve done and that’s my service (again, my incarnation cross is the right angle cross of service).

Is it self-absorbed? Yes. Anyone born on a the right angle incarnation cross IS INHERENTLY SELF-ABSORBED. 70% of people are right angle incarnation crosses. We’re here with our own tests and instead of sitting down and working through our problems, we’re trying to point out how someone else is doing it wrong. We are all here with our own process to work out. My resolution for 2022? MYOB.

And that’s my Ted talk for today.

Come book a session and I’ll give you the real talk on your design. I love you and I hope you are experiencing joy amidst the chaos of this crazy world 🎉

Field Notes + Observations - May 2021

What's funny to me is how tapped into the planets and the cosmic weather we all are, even when we don't consciously pay attention. Themes emerge in our lives that are tied into the planetary themes from above.

In my sessions and in my personal relationships, nearly everyone this past month was noticing the familial patterns + ancestral trauma that needed to be cut loose and dealt with. Is it a coincidence then that this past week's lunar eclipse focused on making sense of the past so you can be present for the future of your own making?

Familial patterns (well worn routines and automatic behaviors that have been taught and handed down in our families) and ancestral trauma (the pains that are in our familial line that we didn’t personally experience, but we physically carry the experience in our bodies) are big things that are coming up because those of us who are on earth right now are shifting the culture and traditions that we carry forward and pass on to the next generations.

We’ve got to be conscious about what we’re bringing into the world and preserving - so it’s our responsibility to take a deep dive into what needs to be shed.

In my own life, I’ve been noticing how my perfectionism is more than just something I struggle with in my life - it is a familial pattern that has been passed down. I was taught (unconsciously) to pay more attention to the image I was creating and preserving more than the experience I was having. How I felt was not valued, the value was placed on how I was being perceived from the outside. As I’ve sat with this - I realize this has been passed down as a matter of safety. We don’t want to stick out, but rather it is safer to blend in.

This pattern has been a problem for me because it conflicts directly against my design - as a splenic Projector, I have to be able to tap into how I am feeling and my natural instincts to make my best moves. If I am second guessing myself to preserve or maintain an image, I am not serving myself. Sitting with this and sifting out how these patterns are not my natural instinct but are learned has been a big part of my journey over the past year.

Sometimes we can release patterns quickly once we’ve identified them and other patterns take much longer to dislodge. Being patient as you identify where you are holding family energy and growing your awareness (even if it feels like it is taking for-ev-er) IS forward movement.

Understanding the Sacral Center - do I know when enough is enough? perfectionism, burn out, performing life, and arbitrary goals

Do you know why I love Human Design? It has built-in signposts that we can use to evaluate if we’re balanced and in our authenticity.

The not-self themes of the energy centers and aura types are incredible tools to evaluate our wellbeing.

We don’t need to learn everything there is in our charts, we just need to understand some key elements. One of those crucial elements - especially in our culture of productivity and more is more? THE SACRAL CENTER!!

When we’re out of balance in the sacral center - or swept up in someone else’s sacral energy - we can massively overdo things.

GATHER ROUND DEAR ONES BECAUSE IF YOU LOVE TO GO OVERBOARD AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH - THEN YOU’VE BEEN SEDUCED BY SACRAL ENERGY!

Discover & share this Funny GIF with everyone you know. GIPHY is how you search, share, discover, and create GIFs.

YES FRIENDS, HERE’S OUR POSTER CHILD FOR DOING TOO MUCH.

Jessie Spano put herself under constant pressure to perform. If you aren’t familiar with this iconic episode, the TL;DR is that her high standards had her stressed out and making questionable decisions.

If you’re a perfectionist (recovering or not) and hold yourself to impossibly high standards that drive you crazy - you likely don’t know when to stop.

Why do we put this pressure on ourselves to do the most?

Because we’re hoping that if we do everything perfectly and overachieve, we can free ourselves from feeling pain. We’re trying to run away from life’s realities by attempting to make our lives bulletproof. Perfectionism + impossible standards is a coping mechanism we apply to ourselves like a shield. We believe that somehow our achievements will allow us to fly above those who get criticism and that we can escape without being seen or evaluated.

Perfection is a distorted coping mechanism designed so that we don’t take a look at our vulnerabilities and real needs. Perfectionism takes the sting out of the hurt and rejection of life - “HAHA. YOU CANNOT HURT ME AS I HAVE ALREADY HURT MYSELF,” WE THINK.

We can beat ourselves up first, so you can’t hurt us... but the problem is - perfectionism is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We live constantly under the shadow of our own expectations, idealism (ahem, delusion) and the constant barrage of internal monologue THAT NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.

We’re here to enjoy life - not blaze through a checklist and amass achievements. Achievements mean nothing if they are done for external approval.

Perfectionism is performing life for validation. Performing life for validation is a vapid existence.

HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE I HAVE LIVED IT.

Performing life doesn’t feel good.

If you think you might be performing life - it looks like this:

• Achieving the goal you were obsessed over, but when the reward comes, it feels empty instead of satisfying. We’re supposed to enjoy the journey and not race to the destination. When I achieve a goal only to find it was an empty milestone, I can then reflect back and evaluate- was the goal process or product? If it turns out it wasn’t thrilling or engaging during the process, then it was probably for show.

• Believing there are winners and losers. We believe we have to compete or fail. If this is the loop you’re caught in - getting a reading can really sort out what the best path to your success feels like.

• Worrying or living by what others think of you. Thinking you have only one option because of family expectations or cultural expectations. Examining where this pressure is coming from and who’s benefitting from this pressure is super critical here to begin to untie this know.

• FULL ON BURN OUT. If you are getting sick or injured or if you are losing interest in life or if you are just done - you aren’t living for yourself. I HAVE BEEN THERE.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU’RE HERE NOW AND HUMAN DESIGN CAN BE A TREMENDOUS TOOL TO HELP YOU OVERCOME YOUR SELF-SABOTAGING WAYS. 

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First, let’s take a look at the power of the sacral center for sacral beings:

The sacral center is sacred for Generators and Manifesting-Generators.

If you have your sacral defined (Generators + Manifesting-Generators) understanding your sacral energy will bring you greater alignment as your awareness of how your energy operates increases.

Developing a relationship with the frequency of yes and no is absolutely paramount for your wellbeing. You must respect what your energy is telling you and listen to it if you want to live your best life.

To feel satisfied and aligned as a Generator and Manifesting-Generator follow the sacral energy as it alerts you to your passions and lights up for things that make you feel enthusiastic - the sacral doesn’t follow where you point, it points where you’re meant to go.

The sacral doesn’t care what’s cool - it’s showing you what you’re designed to do.

Fueling your passion = satisfaction.

Chasing achievements that aren’t rooted in passion = frustration.

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How do you relate to sacral energy when you are a Projector, Manifestor, or Reflector?

If you DON’T have a defined sacral center (Projectors, Manifestors, Reflectors), understanding how you REACT to and AMPLIFY sacral energy can change your life.

The energy coming from the sacral center is super seductive. Generators and Manfesting-Generators are designed to pull others towards them with their sacral energy. We get caught in their sacral tailwind and think that we can do what sacral beings can do.

Non-sacral beings can have shadow around being thought of as lazy or not as tough as others, so we’ll catch that sacral wind and ride it hard to prove we can hang. Well, the Generators we’ve been hanging around are fine the next day, while we’re completely and utterly depleted.

Non-sacral beings can easily get hyped up on the powerful sacral energy that Generators and Manifesting-Generators are providing and we can push ourselves out of our natural range. It’s a little bit like a sugar rush and sugar crash. We have to understand how to balance our sacral intake so that we’re not crashing all over the place because we’re the ones left to deal with our own damage when we’ve set out to prove we’re just like the sacrals.

Borrowed sacral energy is like running up a credit card.

We’re going to have to pay the bill eventually. Sacral energy used incorrectly fuels us to live hard in the paint, blinding us to our own reality. Allowing us to push into the not-self even more.

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Because we’re all conditioned (sacrals and non-sacrals, perfectionists and non-perfectionists alike) to believe that our worth is our productivity, we’re all seduced to push (or surf) the sacral energy as hard and as fast as it will go.

No matter your energy type, pay attention if you are forcing your energy - because if you force your energy too much? It’s burnout city (and if you’re a non-sacral burnout typically lasts a long time).

Think of your body as a car. If we’re constantly pressing on the gas pedal, but never stopping for fuel or maintenance, we’re headed for a spectacular breakdown (and not to mention a whopper of a bill at the auto shop).

The same thing happens to us when we try to force our sacral energy (or surf sacral energy that’s not ours) for too long.

If we’re performing life or trying to keep out or outrun our pain - we’re never going to learn when enough is enough. We’ll always be striving, hoping the next thing will be the thing that protects us.

We can’t live a pain-free life, no matter how much we achieve. Living comes with bumps and lessons and hurts.

Doing the most does not protect us from hurt, so use your energy to do things that make you happy instead of feeling like you’ve got to perform.

If you do not know what it means to break out of performing (and I know for myself unlocking from this mindset took years…) Begin by noting the things that make you feel excited.

When shifting from performance to progress, it’s not about the end result, but the exploration and the discovery inherent in life. You do not have to be good at something to explore it. You do not need permission to do what your heart desires.

When we’re engaging in activities that fill us up, it’s easier to know when it call it a day. When we’ve put in enough time and it’s time to rest.

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WITH HUMAN DESIGN WE HAVE OUR MAP TO GET BACK TO REAL SELVES. WE CAN MAKE A HOME IN OUR BODIES AND FEEL GOOD.

When we connect to our bodies and our own authority that we can begin to break the cycle. We have to connect to our bodies to hear our authority, otherwise we’re going to think someone else knows better and we’ll be seduced by FOMO.

We are meant for so much more than this. Understanding who we are at our core means we can combat the pressures that take us out of ourselves.

Use the roadmaps of the not-self to guide yourself back to your own authority.

If you are in your frustration, bitterness, anger, disappointment and you keep doing instead of slowing down, you’re in the not-self.

The medicine of truth is that you don’t need to achieve or perform your worth. You are already innately worthy. Use your time and energy to fill your cup.

You are not here to be validated by anyone but yourself. Likes and popularity will never fill you to satisfaction, they create an endless cycle for more.

You can validate yourself and it feels much better than seeking external validation. On the road to your own validation you will face challenges. You need to be able to face obstacles and keep going with your own path. This is the work.

I pulled myself out of the hole by listening to my heart, journaling, creating a support group, seeing a therapist, seeing a psychic, doing a LOT of yoga, meditation, sound-healing, using crystals, learning what foods were good for me, reading all the self-help books, reiki, learning how to do reiki, moving my body regularly, riding bikes with friends, and most importantly, allowing myself to do the things that sounded fun to me.

A Human Design reading is a wonderful place to learn to strip back the layers of conditioning and learn what energies you have with you so you can work with what you’ve got instead of being seduced by the performance lifestyle.

Further recommended reading for unplugging from perfectionism:

• Gay Hendricks, The Big Leap

• Celeste Headlee, Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving

• Jenny Odell, How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy

If you’re curious to chat before booking with me - you can text me (310-919-0678) or schedule a free 15-minute Zoom meeting here.

New Moon in Virgo + Setting intentions + inviting in the spirit of play into your world

I love the new moon for setting intentions. Even though we can set intentions whenever we want, I find that having the backdrop of the moon's energy is like an extra blessing we can use to supercharge our magic. It always feels like a special time to pause and connect within. 

My intention I'm setting for this super new moon in Virgo is to play more -  as I uproot my perfectionist tendencies, I see the benefit in making time for pure pleasure. The dictionary defines play as engaging in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose. Just because we're grown doesn't mean play becomes less important to our own holistic development.

I used to be so over-scheduled I had no idea who I was. I know now it was exactly for that reason - if we're so busy we can't think, we're escaping ourselves, but we're also selling ourselves short. If we're not on earth to find out who we are - then why are we here?

By honoring and exploring our interests and committing to give ourselves time to play, we can open ourselves up to the divine, the bigger picture, and invite magic into our lives. 

How are you creating time for recreation and relaxation in your life?

If the idea of using your time for pure pleasure is triggering - dig into that. I found for myself that I didn't believe I was worthy of giving myself time to enjoy what I wanted to enjoy because I was so set on a productivity mindset. Creating space for joy and recreation takes thoughtfulness and time as we strike out the programming that tells us to be practical with our pursuits.

It is worth it to examine your beliefs and carve out time for yourself. Play is an extraordinary gift and perhaps one of the most important things we can do for ourselves. If you need more of a reason than getting to know what you like and enjoying that for enjoyment's sake - then know that giving yourself time to chill out is essential for your mental health and wellbeing. 

I invite you to reflect on where you are in your life right now. Take 10 minutes and journal or sit quietly in meditation. How are you showing up for yourself? How would you like to show up for yourself as you progress into Fall?