Permission granted

Topline: I've been thinking extensively about the concept of permission. Why do so many of us feel like we need it before pursuing our dreams and goals? How many times have I denied my own wants because I wanted permission to live my life first? 

I've been brewing this post for a while now, prompted by my birthday which was a few days ago. Leading up to the my birthday dear friends and family asked very appropriate questions like, "what do you want for your birthday?" and "where would you like us to make dinner reservations?" I froze each time, because I have no clear idea on what I really want. 

I've begun to awaken fully to the realization that I've never answered these questions for myself because I've never really ASKED myself in all the time that I've been alive. When it's my birthday I chose something easy or hand off the task to others. I haven't given myself space to consider what I want to do. Of course, this really isn't about my birthday, it is merely a token for the fact that I haven't done THE WORK. 

Digging deeper, I've realized that I've waited for permission to like what I like. As a kid I loved to sing, a fact I found out when I ended up in church choir. Most kids hated it but for me it was a sanctuary for the simple fact that I LOVED TO SING. 

I didn't realize until college that this was the case. I wanted to know I was good before I could admit to myself that I liked it. In fact, I'm not sure that I've ever even said that I like singing! My perception as a young kid was that choir was dorky, therefore I didn't want to admit to liking something uncool, so instead I silently sought approval. Once I was deemed good then maybe I would admit I liked it.

In college, I really wanted to continue my extra-curricular singing, but I was too scared to audition for an a cappella group. I didn't think I was good enough and I wouldn't dare to audition, how presumptuous I would be, to think I could sing well enough to join! I look back now and think how foolish that was, and I wonder how did I internalize such a pernicious inner monologue? 

Why is it that I was (am) so eager to sit myself out on the sidelines? We don't have to pause too long for effect here, we can all yell out in unison, 'Judgment!' 

When it comes to the things I love the most (writing, singing) I've always been terrified to tell ANYONE that I even like those things because then they might JUDGE ME. They might say I'm bad at them, or someone might say that its uncool, or weird or strange. Writing this out underscores the saddest part, which is that I've shied away from the things I love because of fear. Who cares if I'm bad at it if I love something? Why let the haters shut down my show? Isn't this is whole plot of Little Miss Sunshine? If I enjoy it, then I should be out there doing these things! 

How long do I need to pump myself up before I just take the leap? Based on the tumblrs that I haven't deleted, I've been writing about this struggle FOREVER (or at least three years). 

 I wrote this on one of my tumblrs on May 27, 2015. 

If I could teleport to my past and give myself advice

It would be to explain how the mainstream world works. I’d say, self, this is how most people see everything and everyone. I’d make charts and some drawings so that it was explicitly clear to an adolescent me. Then I would be like BUT HERE IS THE SECRET: you can do whatever you want, really, because if you have confidence in your choice then you are solid gold. Most people are going to do what most people do.
BRAVE PEOPLE STRIKE OUT AND MACHETE THE NEW PATH.
I would probably not bring a machete. I might bring a picture of LeBron James.

It's equally heartening and disheartening to find that I've been publicly sharing my struggle to put myself out there for so long, but perhaps that is life? Is it always going to be a challenge to live authentically and be true to myself? 

Anyone on the other side and care to share? 

Let's all keep fighting the good fight.

Talk soon,

Jen