The challenge of forging my own path

When I graduated from Virginia Tech I was accepted into an executive training program at Macy's Inc. in New York City. Despite the fact that it was exactly what I went to school for (I graduated with a degree in fashion merchandising), it was a path for which I was woefully ill-suited.

Things had started well; I successfully pitched a new product category with my fellow young teammates, we had frequent parties at work and I had access to a massive sample closet. While it wasn't actually fashion, I landed in fashion bedding, and if being adjacent to my wants isn't the most apropos descriptor to most of my life, then really, I don't know, but that's something we can go into another time, MOVING ON.

My boss was 27 and in my eyes, the coolest girl on the planet, so obviously I took all my cues from her (read: blatantly copped her style and went to all of her doctors, IS THAT WEIRD?) and she was cool about it. I did my best to navigate office politics (okay, yes I did somehow have an office nemesis who occasionally stole my work, but other than that my coworkers were my friends and it was awesome).

Then all of a sudden, THE PARTY WAS OVER.

Bear Sterns, DEAD.

The market, ALSO DEAD.

Easy job, THE MOST DEAD. (And with this I have now revealed that I am currently in my early 30s)

Macy's, a dinosaur of a company, 'right-sized' along with all the other mass retailers. Miraculously, I made it through all the rounds of cuts but got moved to a department that magnified all my weaknesses, allegedly an intentional choice by a VP who "believed" in me, (FUCK YOU AND ALSO THANK YOU? IT'S A WEIRD MIX OF FEELINGS).

When the dust settled, it became abundantly clear that this was not the job for me. Despite the company saying, 'bloom where you are planted,' I was definitely not blooming. In fact, it was wilting, so much that I started to hate myself because I couldn't just be happy to have a job. 

So here I am, a young 20s millennial living that SATC lifestyle, faking myself through my career and feeling desperately trapped mixed with a healthy serving of guilt because who am I to hate my job during a recession?! All of a sudden, I'm in a massive shame spiral because I can't get in line with the corporate culture, and it felt like all of my friends were able to play by the rules of the game and succeed. Why couldn't I hack it? Why wasn't I able to beat the game like I had been able to in high school and college? 

I started looking for new jobs, but after interviewing at almost every big retail firm in New York and coming to the grim (for me) realization that Macy's was pretty darn plum for the industry. Finally, I had a come to Jesus moment after using up nearly two weeks of vacation and sick days by March and after 5 years of forcing myself into a career path, I QUIT.  

I really wanted to move to Portland, Oregon where I had recently visited a friend from college, but I was too afraid to move somewhere without a job. Instead, I took a calendar year to reset, moving back home to Virginia. I took easy jobs that only required a GED and ended up having one of the best years of my life. Despite the fact that I was taking control of my own happiness, reducing my stress to near zero levels and spending time with friends and family who were beneficial to my health, I felt terribly embarrassed to be 27 and living at home while I made a U-turn on life.

What really frosts my rolls is that I lost so much sleep over this and it was an in the flesh radical act! Now, while I jumped off the metaphorical cliff and then immediately was like, um, shit, I didn't think about the fact that I'm jumping off a cliff and I might be trying to backtrack midair (feel free to conjure up the scene from Forgetting Sarah Marshall where Jason Segal does this.) I look back and realize this was my first major attempt at living on my own terms; reclaiming my happiness and rejecting the prevailing societal standards about what comes after college. It was a prelude to my current lifestyle and my move over the summer to Austin. I don't like any of these options and I think I can do better despite people telling me to accept what I'd been given.

I used to wish I'd been brave enough to move to Portland, but now I am more gentle with myself, I just didn't have the language, toolbox or confidence to understand what I was doing to stand my own ground and be at peace with it. At the time I made my decision to pull the plug on Macy's, it was like I looked around and was like oh shit, I'm the only one at this party, so like, this party must suck right? Am I a sucker? It took me years to realize no, that's the myth of the best seller. Just because everyone gets it, doesn't mean it's the best, it just means a bunch of people bought it because of herd mentality.

It may seem like an exaggeration to say that leaving Macy's metaphorically felt like dropping out of society, but it's really only a shade off from what I believe that to be the reality of the situation.  I can choose to forge my path based on my own beliefs, or I can take the one given to me by my culture and society. Most people it seems don't question the script. At first, it is DEEPLY uncomfortable, but once I got on board with myself, I feel like I've been able to hit unsubscribe from a lot of messages that are just ridiculously useless. 

So I guess here's the message wrapped up with a bow: expectations can unintentionally yoke us to things that lead to our unhappiness, and I think too often, we're too afraid to look behind the curtain and ask questions the real questions. 

Where are you in your journey?