Life in Austin
When people ask if I like Austin, I never quite know how to answer.
My first thought when people ask, is how can I answer unbiased? I met Joshua, my fiancé, and he has made Austin such a special place for me. I feel not as much that I chose Austin, but that Austin chose me; calling me in, showing me how to really live.
When I arrived in Austin last summer, the first thing I did was sit outside at the delightfully Austin coffee shop Patika. Soaking in the air, the vibe of the city, feeling the difference between New York and my new adopted home (spoiler alert, it's much more relaxed here). Now, nearly a year later I can still conjure the feeling (albeit with a bit of heavy nostalgia for new beginnings). It was satisfying like the end of a movie where you've been rooting for the character to finally get their peace, but better because it's real and my life.
I love Austin because I fell in love here. I love Austin because it called to me for years, humming in my brain, a few snapshots of eastside bungalows and craftsmen houses, outdoor spaces, and fresh air, popping up, a dream world that I wasn't sure I could live. I love Austin because I learned to just be here. I love the nature and the lack of dress code, a diametrical opposite of New York.
At first, when people would ask about my experiences in Austin, I was struck by a pang of guilt, well, I've been spending all my time with this one guy, was I cheating my growth experience by finding love, by spending so much time with this one man? (Sidenote: I'm not going to delve into the darkness here about how I felt guilty about finding love, but I do want to acknowledge that I struggle with good things happening to me.) The funny thing is, as much as I felt like I could have been anywhere, the more I think about it, the more I realize Austin was a necessary component and not just set dressing in my journey.
I've now co-opted the word untethering as a way of identifying the work I've been doing. Austin's essentially a come as you are party and from my experience, authenticity rules. People ask how you are and expect an actual answer. At the coffee shops, for example, the barista will ask what you've been up to or where you are going next. At first, I was actually disturbed by this invasion of privacy, Why tf are you trying to talk to me? Please leave me in peace to anonymously buy my coffee. But, all the earnestness in town has helped me break out of the performance of self that was my outer shell for New York, which if I'm being honest started in college. (The college years shook me to my core, I completely lost who I was and was scared out of my mind that I wasn't good enough, so I started frontin' REAL HARD.) Austin's 'hey man, yeah, that's cool, whatever, right on' attitude allowed me to see a lot of the B.S. of social pressures that we impose on ourselves and others. In Austin, the stakes feel much lower, which has allowed for me to experience greater amounts of just sheer being. I've cleared out a lot of the thoughts about how I'm presenting myself to the world and I'm just giving myself to the world without worry.
Case in point, I used to get so worked up over my 'bad' skin. I've had mild to moderate acne since I was 22 and sometimes I would cry over the fact that my skin wasn't perfect. I would SHED REAL TEARS over a few zits. I spent countless hours at makeup counters, spas, and doctors trying to fix my face. When I got to Austin, I just said fuck it. A funny thing happened when I stopped wearing makeup, cut down my skin routine to just washing at night and slapping on moisturizer, my skin got better. Now, it's still not 'perfect' but I only wear foundation on special occasions. Same with my love-hate relationship with my belly. I used to think crop tops should only be reserved for those with teen-like bodies. Then I realized, if I want to wear a crop top, fuck it, if I have a little belly roll, then double fuck it, Rock on, this is what I chose to wear and if you take offense that I'm not a size two or have a flat belly, then that's on you.
In Austin, I stopped reading the news each day, I unsubscribed to a bunch of blogs and newsletters and I stopped keeping up with television shows. If there's one thing you take away from this, it's to take a news break. I used to listen to NPR as I drove over to the fitness studio each day, but I realized that it would put me on edge. I started to protect my energy by listening to the silence of the drive or happy music so that I could be my best self and give my best energy to the class. I haven't missed the news yet and my teaching continues to get better as I learn how to harness my energy even more. Now, my only news source now is the New Yorker and the people who I talk to in person.
In Austin I've found the space to listen. I've been able to step away from the percieved judgment of others and allow myself the space to cultivate a real relationship with myself, learn what I actually like versus what I've thought it's cool to like and while it is definitely a life process, I feel so lucky to be able to identify my own personal growth.
All this is to say, I love Austin. Thank you for asking.
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