EXERCISE IS SPIRITUAL WORK

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't."

Elle Woods (as played by Reese Witherspoon) in Legally Blonde

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THINGS THAT MAKE ME MAD: THAT SOCIETY SOLD ME THE LIE THAT EXERCISE IS FOR PEOPLE TO BECOME THIN AND BEAUTIFUL AND IF YOU AREN’T TONED AND THIN YOU SHOULD FEEL SHAME AND DEFINITELY MAKE SURE YOU ARE SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME WORSHIPPING TINY, TONED, YOUTHFUL BODIES AND REMEMBER ABOVE ALL THAT IF YOUR BODY ISN’T THAT IDEAL BODY THEN YOU SHOULD REPENT.

I think a lot about how unconscious we are when participating in society. It’s like David Foster Wallace’s This is Water; we accept things and forget they exist to the point that we’re blind to them.

Beauty standards are so ingrained in our culture that we do not realize they are another layer of keeping people repressed and separated from our bodies, distracted from living our authenticity.

It is SO alarming to me that exercise is perceived mainly as a tool for weight loss and maintenance instead of an incredibly powerful spiritual tool for connection and clearing.

When I was a fitness instructor, it was eye-opening to see how many people engaged in exercise from a standpoint of body punishment. I’m here because I’ve been bad, I’m here because [insert someone pinching their own skin for dramatic effect]. UGHHHHH. NO. NO. NO.

Of course, I’m mad because I fell for it too. I used to exercise for all the wrong reasons. I wanted so desperately to make my body comply. I didn’t feel acceptable, so maybe if I could shrink my body, then maybe I’d earn the right to exist and take up space. I exercised in semi-secret, embarrassed at how much effort I put in to exercising and still then I didn’t feel the right to call attention to my athleticism, as I was never enough; not thin enough, not strong enough, just never enough.

It may seem wild to know that it was an episode of GIRLS triggered a change, but truly it was this scene that blew the lid off my world. I was like OH MY GOD. Exercise is for all of us. It’s for the endorphins, not the the physical aesthetic results.

What if instead of participating in exercise for weight loss + aesthetic reasons, I participated in moving my body purely from the standpoint of enjoying and experiencing endorphins?

I stopped punishing my body with grueling workouts and started only going to classes that helped me get in tune with my body; gentle yoga, yoga + reiki classes, yin, restorative, gentle heated yoga… mmmm.. places where I could tune in and let go of all the bs that had been weighing me DOWN.

Exercise and movement is one of the most powerful ways that we can connect with the moment, be present, and shift out stuck emotions and experiences.

In their amazing book, Burnout, the Nagoski sisters, Emily and Amelia talk about how you HAVE to move your body until you find a release otherwise you’re trapping stress emotions in your body, it’s why endorphins are so important. We’re moving and releasing all our stress and being rewarded with feel good chemicals, but if we feel like the only way to engage in exercise is from a standpoint of body control, we’re missing the purpose and losing out.

WE CANNOT LET THE PATRIARCHY TAKE THIS ONE.

Like Elle Woods, my observation is simple - what if we can let go of what our body looks like as the ultimate goal of a workout, but instead focus on the glow?

Can we choose to focus our energy on how our bodies feel instead of how they look?

What would it look like if we used movement and exercise as a time to connect and excavate stuck emotions instead of a time of punishment or escape?

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I

On not being OK

two people look out into the horizon (are they looking for their flaws?)

Unraveling my perfectionism means doing the impossible - admitting that I am not OK.

Admitting where I am is the first step. I am the person that intellectualizes all my experiences so that I don’t have to feel them. I do my best to try and take a full 360 look at what’s happening so that I don’t have to *actually* experience it.

Perfectionism is the funny thing. We think we can bulletproof ourselves from pain, by creating an airtight life. Some of us are so hypervigilant that we prefer to take the first hit against outselves. A flawed logic that says, you can’t hurt me BECAUSE I DID IT FIRST.

I deeply see that growth comes from accepting where you are. We simply cannot grow until we admit we are stuck, or have been wrong, or made a mistake. However, what it’s taken me time to realize, is that if my worth is tied up in being perfect — the stakes to admitting that I need help are too high. If it hasn’t felt safe to not knowing, how do we take down the walls and experience growth?

This past year is the year I really understood and experienced that it is OK not to be OK. Needing help doesn’t diminish my value.

But, if you are used to trying to buy love — that manifests as perfectionism, trying to buy love through perfect acts makes it feel especially frightening to admit things aren’t as they seem.

Healing your heart comes from realizing your innate worth. Of course this is a tad bit more difficult to live than it is to write, but everything does come down to being willing to be wrong. To be willing to look at where I am.

I understood that I had to untie my worth from my performance, but the culture that we live sends very strong signals to the contrary. As a coach, I have seen this in my clients. I see their value even when they don’t. I understand so deeply that feeling that I am not good enough until I hit my goals. Feeling like there is so much more you can give. Feeling so frustrated that you aren’t where you know you can go.

What I saw so clearly for my clients, I wasn’t able to extend to myself. Now I see. The way to move forward in a way that feels good and supportive is by acknowledging you are already good enough. By loving yourself even though you aren’t perfect, that you aren’t at your goal. By loving myself even when I’ve made bad calls before and haven’t trusted myself completely. How can we expect to make better choices when we’re constantly beating ourselves up?

When I was a teacher and a graduate student, my research was rooted in the importance of a safe and welcoming environment. In my findings, if students didn’t have a safe environment, they couldn’t learn. The first and most critical element of learning is safety. Of course the irony was that I couldn’t quite create that for myself. I was too scared to admit how much I didn’t know to myself. I was out to prove people wrong instead, so I could distract myself from seeing how much inner work I needed to do on myself. I railed against my job and institutions about the changes they needed to make while not giving myself an ounce of grace in the concepts I knew were crucial elements of growth.

How can I provide safety for someone else or change for someone else if I can’t first do that for myself?

I have had a few conversations recently that have centered on the pressure to be certain (felt most frequently in open and undefined ajna in Human Design, but certainly also felt in defined Ajna’s as well!) These conversations forced something to the surface. I could no longer hide from the intense pressure I put on myself to have the answers in my own life.

Like so many people, I am unable to extend the grace I have for others to myself. So many of us fail to take our own good advice. I am so gentle with my clients and my friends, but when it comes to myself I have the most vicious inner voice and shame cycles that refuse to quit. After enough conversations about taking rest and feeling grateful for what you have, I had to acknowledge that hollow feeling as I spoke, I wasn’t walking my talk, because that would mean I have to face my perceived failings. I needed to keep punishing myself. I choose to fail myself first and foremost, but I also run away from really seeing the extent of this self-distruction. Is there anything more terrifying than not meeting my own expectations?

So instead of facing my self-sabotage, and consciously dealing with it, I avoided my feelings by stepping outside of myself, intellectualizing my choices and pain. Lying to myself about my circumstances instead of being brave and seeing clearly, picking out different victim narratives and when that didn’t work, choosing to numb myself through endless distractions in the news and streaming channels or focusing on how other people were making worse choices than myself.

My biggest seductive distraction is trying to free others while I myself am drowning (something that also literally happened to me as a child when I tried to save my sister in the deep end of the pool when I myself could barely swim) The biggest blessing and trap of being a Projector is that we deeply see others. We get seduced by it and it becomes this endless trail that we can follow to the detriment of ourselves.

I battle shame that I wasn’t as brave as I wish I was in the past, deeply embarrassed by how repressed I was, how small I was. How sad I was— but retreading these steps keeps me in the past and pushes me deeper into my self-repression, ultimately keeping me from showing up fully for myself, prolonging my pain.

I’ve understood that the only thing I can do (on my right angle incarnation cross of service) is to save myself, and I am ready now.

As I sit in meditation, as I get triggered by my family and life, it’s become so clear that the urge to fight and convince others that I am right is besides the point completely. I don’t have to convince anyone of anything. I don’t need to earn permission from someone else to do what I feel called to do. It is not my job to justify my life to anyone else. In trying to save someone else from their mistakes, I am avoiding the only work I have which is that I am here to work out my own salvation. I just have to save myself and tell you what I’ve done and that’s my service (again, my incarnation cross is the right angle cross of service).

Is it self-absorbed? Yes. Anyone born on a the right angle incarnation cross IS INHERENTLY SELF-ABSORBED. 70% of people are right angle incarnation crosses. We’re here with our own tests and instead of sitting down and working through our problems, we’re trying to point out how someone else is doing it wrong. We are all here with our own process to work out. My resolution for 2022? MYOB.

And that’s my Ted talk for today.

Come book a session and I’ll give you the real talk on your design. I love you and I hope you are experiencing joy amidst the chaos of this crazy world 🎉

HELP! I AM STUCK! (WHAT TO DO TO GET BACK IN FLOW)

BEING STUCK IS A UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE.

Each of us are on our own journeys, floating around in our little space bubbles (your aura, duh) looking outward to figure out what’s going on in our inner world. The problem is exactly that - we’re all on our own track and our life path is COMPLETELY unique. We can’t cheat off of someone else’s paper because we each have our own tests. IS THIS METAPHOR CLEAR? Our lives, while intertwined, actually have almost nothing to do with each other because of our individual energetics. WE LIVE IN A GIANT ILLUSION because baby, we’re all just energy. Everything is energy.

WE SEE THIS WORLD, BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL, WE’RE ALL JUST LIL ENERGY BUBBLES INTERACTING WITH EACH OTHER

STEP BY STEP DIRECTIONS TO UNSTICKING YOUR STUCKNESS:

STEP ONE: I [INSERT NAME HERE] AM STUCK

First, identifying that you are stuck is the first step.

Accept where you are. There’s no use in fighting or denying it because you’ll stay stuck longer (this is a lesson I have learned the hard way MANY TIMES).

I don’t know about you, but I think most people like to hide/ignore/deny their problems from themselves. This isn’t the best strategy if you’re trying to get unstuck. When I was in yoga teacher training, we had to keep a daily journal about everything we were facing. We can’t run away from our problems as much as we’d like to and we can’t drink them away or distract them away or party them away - they are still there, you just probably added a hangover.

Joe Romano (Adam Sandler) clarifies what his tours of Italy can and cannot do for customers. #SNL #AdamSandler #ShawnMendes #SNL44 Subscribe to SNL: https://...

RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR PROBLEMS IS A TEMPORARY SOLUTION - I HAVE TRIED THIS MANY TIMES. THEY FIND YOU. SEE SNL SKIT ABOVE.

STEP TWO: TAKE INVENTORY

GET YOUR BEARINGS. What is happening around you? It can be helpful to think of yourself as a journalist or explorer in the wild, here - because the more you can be objective and zoom out, describing what’s happening and figuring out what wheels are spinning and where the energy is jammed, you’ll be able to create a game plan.

This is a good time to get to journaling, talk to a therapist, coach, trusted friend.

What’s working?

What’s not working?

NO PROBLEM SOLVING NEEDS TO BE DONE HERE - JUST OUTLINE THE FACTS: something like - “I cry each morning before I go to work because I’m so unfulfilled and also scared at my place of work,” and then keep digging (yes, this was me about like… 7 years ago? not great bob)

Being stuck can be, “ho-hum I don’t feel jazzed about life.” to extremely dark - if you are in the bottom of the hell pit and feeling like you don’t have any solutions reach out for professional help!!! The national suicide prevention hotline number is: 800-273-8255 there is NO SHAME IN NEEDING TO CALL IT.

STEP THREE: RELENTLESSLY CUT OUT THE EXCESS

WHAT CAN YOU CLEAR OUT? You’ve taken inventory. Now we take that inventory and we get to work! This is the time to slim down your schedule and your life to the bones. What don’t you need? This is a great time to Marie Kondo.

If you’ve identified that your job is killing your soul, but also that you are doing a lot of other stuff that’s not really helping - what can you quit? What can you walk away from?

We cut everything that isn’t the basics - protect your mental health, prioritize sleep, drink lots of water, and get outside/ get moving.

This isn’t about burning down everything around you (not that I’d rule that out if that feels right, ahem I see you Scorpios, but maybe see me for a 30 minute call first?) - but scaling back so you can create space.

STEP FOUR: START GENERATING SOME JOY

Scaling back to the basics means you can invite in the next chapter of your life. Being stuck typically means we’ve stayed in the old chapter too long / have been denying ourselves of acknowledging our growth and change. The good news? Life is always flowing around you. Things are always changing, even when it doesn’t seem like it.

What brings you joy? What simple things can you do to be in the moment?

Build moments into your schedule that make you happy! Is there an art exhibit you’ve been meaning to see? A friend who makes you laugh? A cheap improv show you can get tickets to?

Laughter and connection help us create creative solutions. Stepping away from your sticky situation helps build perspective and gets energy moving.

Need more guidance? Book an Accessing Inner Wisdom session with me - we’ll look at your personal energetics from a 360 view, identifying where you’re blocked and finding the next steps.

Need to get in your body and relax? Join my patreon (it’s sliding scale!) where you have access to my 30-minute aura cleansing classes - combining gentle movement and energy work to reset yourself.

PS I BELIEVE IN YOU.

Shift into Your Body, Shift into Your Innate Worth + Connect with Your intuition

Letting go of weight loss, your ‘ideal body,’ and why loving yourself as you are right now is the key to getting through to your intuition

The biggest myth we face in our culture right now is that changing your external body will shift your internal worth.

OOF, this crock of SHIT… Y’all, if I could wave a magic wand right now and fix one thing, it would be to lift the veil and show anyone that believes changing their body will change their confidence how flawed that logic is.

First, if you are in IF then thinking or When then thinking, you’ve got it twisted. We must love AS WE ARE in order to move forward in our authenticity. Being rooted in the present is the only way we can be in touch with who we are. If we’re living for a future that hasn’t arrived, we’re missing the power in the present moment.

Loving your body right now and celebrating what it can do is how you connect to your intuition and find real confidence from within.

Not only does weight loss not solve confidence issues, but being overly focused on your appearance and controlling your body’s shape can be deeply damaging to your intuitive abilities. If you only see your body as an external appearance, you are cutting yourself off from your own power.

As someone who chased the thinness ideal for most of my life, I can tell you firsthand that this is myth. A new body will not improve your life. The only way to move the needle on your confidence is to look at your internal programming.

Despite the messages you’ve been receiving your entire life to the contrary, attaining a certain external look is never going to make you whole. Chasing thinness and youth is a losing game because you are making a tacit agreement that thinness and youth are “better” than growing old or having your body present differently that the cultural standard and ideals presented through mainstream advertising. (If you aren’t familiar with the work from Lindsay and Lexie Kite, who have literally written the book about self-objectification, check out Beauty Redefined, right now)

Your worth comes from within and it starts by being inside of your body instead of focusing on how you present to others. The biggest leap I made in my self-confidence and living my life for me, came when I began to understand this and integrate it into my life.

You do not have to change how you look to feel good about your body and about your life - you have to change how you look at yourself.

It’s not about how you look or how others perceive you, it’s about how you feel. If you need help with this, go on Instagram and see all the influencers who are outside of the very narrow mainstream beauty standards that are living their best lives and loving themselves.

What we want isn’t to fit the beauty standard, it is self-love. We conflate beauty standards and accepted norms as self-love and that’s why so many people are trapped on a hamster wheel of despair that they don’t know how to get off.

THE GOOD NEWS. THERE IS AN EXIT. You can unplug from these wild standards and start living from your authenticity (it does take practice and time, so be patient)

We transform our day to day experience when we shift from living outside of ourselves to living in our body. If you’re stuck as an observer to your life, you’re losing out on truly living your life.

The culture we live in disconnects us from our body, deceiving us into believing that our body must look a certain way before we can achieve our goals.

We take our power back when we root back into our bodies and connect with our innate power within.

If you do not connect to your physical experience, you cannot connect to your intuition. GO BACK AND READ THAT AGAIN.

IF YOU DO NOT CONNECT TO YOUR BODY AND LIVE INSIDE YOUR PHYSICAL BEING, YOU ARE CUTTING YOURSELF OFF FROM YOUR POWER SOURCE. I know this because I lived outside of myself for most of my adult life. I was watching my life as a 3rd party instead of living firsthand in my own body.

If you are disconnected to your body, it’s likely for very good reason. We shift out of our bodies for many reasons, trauma being one of the big reasons and diet culture being another. If you’ve grown up in a woman’s body - then you’ve grown up in a world that has trained you to objectify yourself. Women learn and internalize from a young age that how men perceive you is your value (thanks patriarchy) While this is not true, it’s a powerful message that has been perpetuated in the media and is used to keep women small. (Another reading recommendation - Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski)

If we are so self-focused on how we are perceived, than we cannot enjoy our lives fully. Living fully happens when we let go of what it looks like and enjoy the physical experience of being present and in our bodies. We cannot go full throttle on accomplishing our goals if we’re too distracted trying to make ourselves acceptable from the outside.

I spent years on the loop of believing that my worth came from my external appearance until it dawned on me that all that pressure I was putting on myself was slowly killing me, what was the point of trying to look good if I didn’t FEEL GOOD?!?!

My brain was dedicated to beating myself up and there wasn’t any space to really let loose and enjoy my life. I was living my life as an observer to myself - stage mothering myself; over-controlling every move, worried about how others might perceive me instead of living from my heart and body.

I was so miserable I had to give up. What was the point? What was all of "this” performance for? Certainly it wasn’t for me. If my life wasn’t for my enjoyment, then what? When I let go of trying to be everything for everyone else, I opened up space to truly find out what it meant to be me.

Your worth isn’t what someone else thinks. Your worth and experience is centered in being YOU.

It takes time to let go of your old mindset that keeps you small and build a new one that supports you.

If this is new work for you (and even if it’s not) being gentle leads to more growth than being harsh on yourself (trust me, I’ve done both).

TAKE ACTION

Practice + Reflection Questions:

How can you be kind to yourself and your body today?

Are you listening to the messages your body is sending or are you too worried about what it looks like to listen?

If you know you aren’t treating your body with respect - see what happens if you get curious about what’s happening in your body instead of having expectations.

Who benefits from your negative self-talk to your body?

If you’ve got the time today - assess your relationship to your body and your intuition. Are you expecting your body to be something different than what it is? Why? How is that affecting your ability to listen inward?

Shifting into the driver’s seat of your life is letting go of any external expectations and checking in with your energy and needs. Affirm that you are making progress just by considering these questions.

BODIES, BEAUTY STANDARDS AND THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING

When I began teaching fitness, my own vanity was like, YES NOW I WILL FINALLY ACHIEVE MY PERFECT BODY.

UGH, BODIES.

BEAUTY STANDARDS.

THE PRESSURE TO BE EVERYTHING.

This is something I rarely, if ever, address with myself.
I’ve driven myself crazy for years striving for the “perfect body.”

Let’s just get one thing out in the open; teaching fitness does NOT automatically hand you a banging bod. I’ve learned firsthand that you don’t get to look like a VS model just standing in a studio every day. (You are born that way or you aren’t.) Coming to terms with this has been very upsetting.

Teaching fitness also doesn’t include a new personality transplant or superhero self-control. I know, very to extremely disappointing to learn.

I’ve found out that being a fitness professional is not a shortcut to perfection.

Can anyone else relate to trying to achieve perfection through the following labels?

Whole30

Vegan

Clean eating,

gluten-free

sugar-free

dairy-free

Girl, I’ve tried it all.

I’ve also sought to be alcohol-free, caffeine free, and any number of the above labels to telegraph to the world that I am free from sin, I am free from judgment and I can't be judged, because of my label is my shield. Therefore, I am exempt from judgment.

OOF. Let’s talk about a losing battle.

Now more than ever, I think the pressure to be thin and have glowing, clear skin can be perceived as a moral failing. Many alternative healers and lifestyles touted in Goop and the like make it seem that if we aren’t eating plant-based, sugar-free, gluten-free (or whatever is in rn) then we’re going to inflame our system to high heaven, die from depression and our vaginas will stop working. Now, let me also be frank and say, almost 100% I subscribe to these kinds of alternative healing ideas, but to what end? If I end up blaming my own lack of self-control and then shame spiral? THEN WHAT?

I cycle through love for my body and contempt for myself because I FUCKING LOVE FOOD and to the detriment of my own mental health, I’m also very susceptible to wishful thinking. I think, “oh, I could do that keto eating program, I could give up sugar/ gluten/ carbs forever, I can become a disciple of Amanda Chantal Bacon aka health and wealth incarnate AND THEN I WILL BE UNSTOPPABLE.” Inevitably, 2 hours later, there’s been at least one chocolate bar or one cookie or one “health” smoothie later, I’m like, ok, tomorrow. TOMORROW IT HAPPENS.

Inevitably that cycle means I live under a mental cloud of what if’s and willful denial of my own nature.

But recently, I had a moment of surrender.

When I’m training clients, the clients who accept their limitations and modify to meet their needs accelerate through the workout more than those that deny their true fitness level.

So while it feels so counterintuitive, the first step to grow or change is accepting what is.

Huge personal eureka moment: accepting doesn’t mean I like it.

Accepting something doesn’t mean I agree or that I give up,  it just means I acknowledge the facts. Therefore, I had to accept some crucial facts about myself if I wanted to take away the power from IF/THEN and move the power back to myself and loving myself AS IS.

So here are some frank conversations I’ve had with myself over the past few months:
1)    I love food (you'd be amazed at how many times I've had to have this one with myself.)

2)    Joshua (fiancé) works for a taco restaurant 

3)    I hate cooking

4)    I am not someone who will succeed with a stringent eating plan or any sort of restriction. Anytime I’ve tried this is what happens: Eat a smoothie and salad, feel great! working out, not working out, working out, go out too late, BURGERS BURGERS BURGERS, 4 GLASSES OF WINE, TAKE OUT TAKE OUT TAKE OUT fuck I have to eat something healthy. SALAD? MUST GET BACK ON WAGON. CANCELS YOGA 7 TIMES AND THEN GOES TO ONE YOGA CLASS, FEELS INVINCIBLE THEREFORE PROBABLY SHOULD GET SOME MORE BURGERS, OH WAIT I’M HEALTHY NOW SO, ONE RUN, ONE EARLY MORNING SPIN, RINSE. REPEAT.

At what point do I work with myself?

One of the really cool things about my job is interacting with a lot of exceptional people from all walks of life. I’ve got fitness buffs, newbies, and every shape, age and whatever else you might want to throw out there.

And here’s the thing, I don’t judge any of them. Hand to God, I think all of them are amazing. I love hearing their stories, seeing their progress and just generally being in the presence of kind, fun people that like to work out (and laugh at my jokes).

When I recognized the beauty and strength in those around me, I was able to really see it in myself.

Surrender and acceptance lead to mental freedom. I am my own worst critic. We're only judging others because we're judging ourselves. When I recognize that, I can set myself free.

The takeaway: 

Self-love and acceptance do not spring from external changes in appearance, which I should know as I’ve cycled through endless fashion choices and hair colors and styles in search of both.

Confidence, self-love, and acceptance are what I am really seeking when I envy someone’s put-together look or strong core.

If I only accept myself within a set standard, then I'm not loving myself.

If I genuinely love myself, then I'm gentle and kind to myself and that naturally extends to others.

If you see someone make others feel bad or say that only a certain look is acceptable - then that is evidence of their own thought pattern that isn’t loving.

Let me address that this work is obviously in no way finished. It is not a linear process nor am I practicing this 100% of the time. I do think though, that the more we can name what burdens us, the more we can free ourselves.

I'm proud of all of the work I've been able to accomplish this year that was triggered by my move to Austin. 

Life in Austin

When people ask if I like Austin, I never quite know how to answer.

My first thought when people ask, is how can I answer unbiased? I met Joshua, my fiancé, and he has made Austin such a special place for me. I feel not as much that I chose Austin, but that Austin chose me; calling me in, showing me how to really live. 

When I arrived in Austin last summer, the first thing I did was sit outside at the delightfully Austin coffee shop Patika. Soaking in the air, the vibe of the city, feeling the difference between New York and my new adopted home (spoiler alert, it's much more relaxed here). Now, nearly a year later I can still conjure the feeling (albeit with a bit of heavy nostalgia for new beginnings). It was satisfying like the end of a movie where you've been rooting for the character to finally get their peace, but better because it's real and my life. 

I love Austin because I fell in love here. I love Austin because it called to me for years, humming in my brain, a few snapshots of eastside bungalows and craftsmen houses, outdoor spaces, and fresh air, popping up, a dream world that I wasn't sure I could live. I love Austin because I learned to just be here. I love the nature and the lack of dress code, a diametrical opposite of New York. 

At first, when people would ask about my experiences in Austin, I was struck by a pang of guilt, well, I've been spending all my time with this one guy, was I cheating my growth experience by finding love, by spending so much time with this one man? (Sidenote: I'm not going to delve into the darkness here about how I felt guilty about finding love, but I do want to acknowledge that I struggle with good things happening to me.) The funny thing is, as much as I felt like I could have been anywhere, the more I think about it, the more I realize Austin was a necessary component and not just set dressing in my journey.  

I've now co-opted the word untethering as a way of identifying the work I've been doing. Austin's essentially a come as you are party and from my experience, authenticity rules. People ask how you are and expect an actual answer. At the coffee shops, for example, the barista will ask what you've been up to or where you are going next. At first, I was actually disturbed by this invasion of privacy, Why tf are you trying to talk to me? Please leave me in peace to anonymously buy my coffee. But, all the earnestness in town has helped me break out of the performance of self that was my outer shell for New York, which if I'm being honest started in college. (The college years shook me to my core, I completely lost who I was and was scared out of my mind that I wasn't good enough, so I started frontin' REAL HARD.) Austin's 'hey man, yeah, that's cool, whatever, right on' attitude allowed me to see a lot of the B.S. of social pressures that we impose on ourselves and others. In Austin, the stakes feel much lower, which has allowed for me to experience greater amounts of just sheer being. I've cleared out a lot of the thoughts about how I'm presenting myself to the world and I'm just giving myself to the world without worry. 

Case in point, I used to get so worked up over my 'bad' skin. I've had mild to moderate acne since I was 22 and sometimes I would cry over the fact that my skin wasn't perfect. I would SHED REAL TEARS over a few zits. I spent countless hours at makeup counters, spas, and doctors trying to fix my face. When I got to Austin, I just said fuck it. A funny thing happened when I stopped wearing makeup, cut down my skin routine to just washing at night and slapping on moisturizer, my skin got better. Now, it's still not 'perfect' but I only wear foundation on special occasions. Same with my love-hate relationship with my belly. I used to think crop tops should only be reserved for those with teen-like bodies. Then I realized, if I want to wear a crop top, fuck it, if I have a little belly roll, then double fuck it, Rock on, this is what I chose to wear and if you take offense that I'm not a size two or have a flat belly, then that's on you.

In Austin, I stopped reading the news each day, I unsubscribed to a bunch of blogs and newsletters and I stopped keeping up with television shows. If there's one thing you take away from this, it's to take a news break. I used to listen to NPR as I drove over to the fitness studio each day, but I realized that it would put me on edge. I started to protect my energy by listening to the silence of the drive or happy music so that I could be my best self and give my best energy to the class. I haven't missed the news yet and my teaching continues to get better as I learn how to harness my energy even more. Now, my only news source now is the New Yorker and the people who I talk to in person. 

In Austin I've found the space to listen. I've been able to step away from the percieved judgment of others and allow myself the space to cultivate a real relationship with myself, learn what I actually like versus what I've thought it's cool to like  and while it is definitely a life process, I feel so lucky to be able to identify my own personal growth. 

All this is to say, I love Austin. Thank you for asking. 

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