I wrote a blog for another blog!

I’m super excited to share with y’all that I was published on pass/fail writing about my experience on moving into my own authenticity.

If you want to read it, go here!

some hot reads

Here’s a look into what I’ve been reading and thinking about recently:

“Today’s Problem With Masculinity isn’t What You Think," by Benjamin Sledge really feels like it’s tackling an important dimension of the #metoo movement. The cultural conditioning we’ve all been through to get to this point means we can’t forget the male experience.

We’ve all got wounds to heal collectively and men have also been handed a raw deal. Not every guy is an alpha (thank god). I love Benjamin’s take on how the Alpha male personality gets passed along. I hope he continues to dig into this work.

Reading this piece reminded me of “Cat Person” Kristen Roupenian’s exceptional viral short story from the December 4, 2017 issue of The New Yorker, which really rocked me (and basically every female) to my core. If you haven’t already read “Cat Person,” drop everything and do that RN.

If you want to get super depressed but also impressed by youth - this profile on CLIMATE BOSS GRETA THUNBERG from New York Mag will change you. Honestly, I am not even sure I want to tell you my thoughts after reading it. I’m rethinking EVERY SINGLE THING. Greta is incredible.

What are y’all reading?

I wish I could time travel and make my 25 year old self read this article

Today in New York Magazine’s The Cut - a title caught my eye, 'Acne Tips from Acne Itself.’

Immediately, I was like, the brand or the skin kind?

I wondered and clicked at the same time. Turns out it was an irreverent little piece on acne personified. God only knows why it was written, but reading this brilliant little tale about acne’s feelings on haunting us really made my day.

“But mostly, my favorite things are to confuse, challenge, and destroy. I like to plague my hosts, and I like to watch them suffer. Is that bad? Maybe. I am not the most … I am not the most morally rigid individual you will meet. Which is to say, I don’t care.”

This makes me think that acne is actually a wild French fatalist mistress. Do I like acne now? Can I follow on the gram? LOL

I don’t know if I’ve changed, or the world has changed since I was deep in my shame k-hole that were my skin struggles, but man, where was this when I needed it?!

When I was 25, my skin was my OBSESSION. I poured my time and effort into finding the perfect foundation, the perfect skin care routine, the perfect diet and finding the skin care expert who would finally clear my skin. I would NEVER want to tally how much time and money has been funneled to my crusade for clear skin. I’d wager I could have footed myself through a year of an expensive MBA program at this point… OY THE FOLLIES OF YOUTH AND THE TRAP OF BEAUTY.

ANYWAY AS I WAS COMPLAINING, I MEAN, SAYING….

My acne, which was moderate (I say was like it’s gone, but it’s definitely still a part of my life) felt like a huge burden. I was so ridiculously envious of anyone who had clear skin and I felt so tragically less than because of my blemishes. I hid behind layers of fancy foundations, promising me the illusion of perfection and I wouldn’t dare to meet anyone new without a trip to the beauty counter at Bloomingdale’s to get an expert to do my face first.

I wish I could time travel back to myself and be like #1 give me a hug and #2 HERE’S A BITCH SLAP FOR HOW SELF-OBSESSED YOU ARE MY GOD GET A HOBBY- LET’S COUNT ALL OF THE BLESSINGS BEFORE WE FOCUS ON THIS ONE VERY MINOR PROBLEM THAT IS SERIOUSLY NOT NOTICEABLE TO MANY PEOPLE AND MOST DEFINITELY ISN’T RUINING YOUR LIFE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT BE? THIS SELF PITY AND INSECURITY (BUT THAT’S JUST A WILD GUESS)

When acne is merely a wily spirit, here to show up and wreck your day for its own pleasure, well - that’s a nice little perspective shift. Something I could have definitely used as a confused, young 20s person who’s only life path seemed to be trying to pin down a hot date.

I will say, I don’t remember reading articles about people saying fuck it - here’s my skin and it’s broken out and I’m still beautiful - but I’m super glad that these little pieces are out there - normalizing the adult war on acne. All I can remember reading is an article in some huge magazine that stated we should all have clear skin by know because of technology and if you didn’t you haven’t been working hard enough.

And sure, maybe that’s not what it said, but it seems to me that it wasn’t until recently that celebrities started really sharing that they are in fact human too and that keeping up with the standards and pressure is also too much for them.

As much as I’m typically anti-Kardashian / Jenner, this piece of Kendall Jenner really struck a nerve. Isn’t it oddly comforting that even with that level of access, she still has the acne battle? Her recently announced a partnership with Proactiv has garnered a lot of controversy for myriad reasons, but I think it’s awesome that someone that visible is putting herself out there vulnerably like that, I find it admirable.

It’s kind of nice to know that just some of us get acne and that’s just what happens.

I’m almost 34 and I’ve been battling my skin for the better part of 12 years. I think I can safely say I’ve done it all. Given up and stopped all products, gone all natural and organic, made my own skincare, used the really expensive French stuff, gone to all the dermatologists, had all the facials, the light treatments and cried all the tears.

Last year, I bit the bullet and went on Accutane prior to my wedding. It hasn’t given me perfect skin, but it did calm things down considerably.

But I think the biggest lesson is that we aren’t our face and most people aren’t judging us or even see our imperfections the way we do. It makes me so happy to see these things discussed out in the open and I hope we can all feel a little less bad about days where we’re broken out. None of us are perfect, even those gifted with perfect skin.

I'm married now and here are my thoughts

Major life events are curious things. It’s weird to be celebrated for finding your partner, but it’s also really, really fun.

Step one: find a photographer that takes pictures where you’re like, oh damn, yes, we look good! Pic via Caitlin Rose Photo

I was hesitant to have a wedding celebration. Is it cheesy to have a wedding? Am I full basic status for wanting one? Should we gather a small group and go to Mexico? Is it modern to skip it entirely?

When I searched my heart of hearts though, I knew I wanted the whole big party, fancy dress and to dance my heart out with my love and all my friends and fam, which leads me to the reason I am writing this post…

HAVING A WEDDING WAS FULLY WORTH IT.

It seems so over the top to declare one 6 hour party the best day of your life, but after it’s all said and done I am firmly in the camp of YES, HAVE THE WEDDING.

I cannot overstate how super magical and wonderful it was to celebrate with our friends and family. It was impossible to not feel loved. I mean how insanely cool that all these people had taken time off from their lives to come hang out with us and eat food in fancy clothes?

Here we are stomping on the glass (we each had our own). Pic via Caitlin Rose Photo

If the point of life is being present and loving your loved ones, then having a wedding is a seriously wonderful way to combine the best of life.

What no one could have prepared me for was how sad I was once it was all over and the last of my family went back to their respective coasts.

The general consensus on wedding planning is one of relief once it’s finally done, like whew! We did it and it’s over, YAY! So when I cried like 5 times over the next week because I was just so sad it was done, but also just absolutely overjoyed that it happened and was perfect and then I’d be so overwhelmed with love, I was like,

WHAT IS HAPPENING, WHO AM I? WHEN DID I BECOME A CRY PERSON?

All these feelings were a colossal surprise to me. Have I always been this sentimental? (Yes, I uncontrollably sobbed as a 5-year-old at a screening of Milo & Otis)

So now that time has passed and I’m able to accept that my wedding was a once in a lifetime event, I’m left with a different perspective on my life.

I had never truly realized how lucky I am. Our wedding was a moment where I was able to take a visual stock of my life. Surrounded by friends and family, I realized that no matter what my job or my location, I have already succeeded at life. I have cultivated strong relationships with people whom I love and admire and it has filled my heart with such joy to be able to see that and enjoy it.

How do I even begin to express the joy all of these ladies have brought me? Pic via Caitlin Rose Photo

I know it’s the most cliché, but it really does feel different to be married. It’s hard to pin down what it is exactly, but I will say it is especially fun to be newlyweds because people are extra nice to us.

Most noticeably, I feel more calm because I get to have a partner with me, which feels something like cheating at life. Sometimes we’re hanging out and I’m just struck with how insane it all is. How did we find each other? Why is it so fun to just do nothing or decide that Sunday night is bowling night? It’s honestly mind-boggling.

In the end, it boils down to this: there is so much darkness out there, if you can throw a party to celebrate the bright I SAY GO FOR IT!

How one celebrity profile freed me from diet culture

You know those moments where your beliefs are just shattered? Like perhaps when you are in second grade and that one super jaded kid just announces to anyone who will listen, ‘YOU STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA?’ and then gleefully pronouces, ‘HE’S NOT REAL.’ And you’re just fully dejected, but once you pick up the pieces it’s like, holy smokes, what else is a lie and how could I have fallen for this in the first place? (obviously a true story)

Recently, I had my adult SANTA’S NOT REAL?! moment when one of my friends sent me this piece from Jezebel after we attended a particularly spiritually farcical event here in Austin.

As I clicked around all the linked articles, I was struck by this New York Times profile on Moon Juice creator, Amanda Chantal Bacon.

For the uninitiated, Amanda Chantal Bacon (from here forward referred to as ACB), runs a wildly popular trio of juice bars in Los Angeles that are super stylish and v instagrammable. In addition to juices, smoothies, and grab and go snacks, ACB has a massive online offering of protein powders, smoothie add-ins, and healthy snacks which gets plugged on the regular by our girl Gwyneth and more in the wellness world.

On my last trip out to LA this past August, my husband and I gleefully went to her store in Silverlake and split a $20 smoothie. (And for the record, it was delicious, probably the best smoothie I’ve ever had.)

If you just spit out your coffee at the idea of a $20 smoothie, you have to understand that it’s not just a smoothie, it’s a chance for redemption.

ACB’s smoothies and snacks are sold as a completely different class of food than any of us regular people have ever experienced. This is because her food philosophy is pretty out there and you definitely have to be pretty deeply indoctrinated into the alternative wellness sphere to buy in.

For those of us who have been searching for the holy grail through diet and exercise, ACB is a natural extension of the alternative health universe. She’s what you find when you are ready to level up from the world of paleo or Whole30 or you just need a new way to differentiate yourself from those other vegans.

via HuffPost

Is it strange to say a celebrity profile changed your life?

I used to fully buy into all of these ideas and spent so much time and mental energy trying to keep up.

Until reading this profile, I believed ACB and others who proselytize ‘ultra clean eating’ (my own term here) were the ultimate gold standard authority in health choices. Every DAMN day that I tried and failed to live up to their rules, I was just falling short of my own goddess transformation. If I kept trying though, I’d be living on that next plane where life is breezy and everything is just nonstop effortless beauty. 

But I have been freed because of this paragraph.

"By the time I left Bacon’s house, I wanted to scrub off my makeup and swaddle myself in white cottons and let my hair tumble down my back in sun-lightened coils like hers. I wanted to move to California and eat bee pollen, even though I think bee pollen tastes like the reptile section at the zoo and California is the state where I was born and spent 18 years plotting my escape from, and it can’t be denied that I benefit strongly from makeup. But all of that was wiped away within minutes of meeting this woman, whose ability to perform every action with charisma — whether pouring coconut milk into a pot or requesting a strategy meeting with her staff — seemed a direct result of her dietary choices. I understand that Bacon’s success is a product of ambition, luck, privilege and stamina. So why did I covertly order a 16-ounce sack of bee pollen from Amazon on my phone during a three-minute break in our conversation? The answer is obvious: Bacon is a lifestyle guru, and this is what lifestyle gurus do. They insist on a connection between what you buy and who you are. And then they sell you stuff. If they are Bacon, they also pronounce the word guru “goo-doo,” in what I can only assume is the authentic manner." - Molly Young, "How Amanda Chantal Bacon Perfected the Celebrity Wellness Business" via New York Times

HOLY SMOKES. ACB IS JUST A LUCKY BEAUTIFUL PERSON SELLING PRODUCTS BY IMPLICITLY TRADING ON HER BEAUTY AND EVEN IF I DO EVERYTHING SHE SAYS I’M STILL ME AND I CAN’T MAGICALLY BECOME ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEY JUST BY CHANGING MY FOOD CHOICES.

How did I ever believe this in the first place? Like I said in the beginning, this was my adult Santa moment. (Maybe it’s because we’re sold from such a young age a super narrow definition of beauty and then every sales pitch ever is essentially built on making us seem like we’re not enough?)

Reading this was akin to the first time I heard David Foster Wallace’s This is Water and I was like, OH YEAH OTHER PEOPLE ARE ALSO JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIVES HERE.

So when Young writes, “[t]he answer is obvious: Bacon is a lifestyle guru, and this is what lifestyle gurus do. They insist on a connection between what you buy and who you are. And then they sell you stuff.” I felt reborn. This is just another sales pitch.

This pressure, this lie that if only I could control my eating, I’d be better was dissolved. ACB was born beautiful and of course I’m sure eating her way makes her extra glow-y, but even if she lived on a diet of burgers, she’d essentially look the exact same. WHY HAD THIS NEVER OCCURRED TO ME? I felt like Jennifer Connelly in the Labyrinth, YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME.

This is what our consumerist and patriarchal culture does though. It tricks us into hyper-focusing on our outer appearance and ties it to our worth.

If I’m honest, trying to fit the beauty standard and the fact that I couldn’t manage the self discipline to look like a model has consumed most of my waking energy and as a result, I’ve lived in a shame spiral for most of my adult life. (THIS IS WHAT OUR SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING MESSAGES AND MAINSTREAM MEDIA DO)

I’ve cried over acne. I’ve skipped nights out because my clothes didn’t fit. At what point do we just say FUCK THE SYSTEM?

So by the time this article crossed my path, I was ready to see that Young was right. It’s a capitalist and patriarchal win for people like ACB and GOOP who are born with incredible privilege and genes that a smoothie can’t buy.

My worth doesn’t come from my appearance, as much as society tells us it does. When I stick up for my worth in spite of what media forces down our throats, that creates power. All I can ask of myself is to keep going.

RE: GOOP

Since posting my love for the NYT article on Gwyneth Paltrow (BACK IN AUGUST, MY GOD THE HORROR OF HOW LONG I’VE BEEN ABSENT) I’ve been reevaluating my unabashed love for all things GOOP and seeing much more of the race / size / class politics of the wellness world.

(the insides of my brain for the past few months)

I’ve been thinking about it so much that I’ve felt almost paralyzed by it. Why do I love and listen to her so much that I in the past I’ve sought out her specialists, done my best to emulate her diets, tried my best at her workouts and follow her skincare recommendations?

I realize this may seem ridiculous, but it recently became so clear to me how she and other slim, rich, white wellness ‘gurus’ could be peddling almost anything and we’d try it in our vain attempts to become them. YIKES.

What has surprised me the most is how much I’d never really questioned how her site is such an enormous tangle of white privilege and patriarchal ideas of acceptable women’s bodies until relatively recently.

I’ve been too caught up in my own search for perfection, that I didn’t even truly realize how narrowly focused and elite it is. In our celebrity obsessed culture (myself very much included) waking up to this feels representative of the bigger cultural conversation that’s being discussed on the corners of the internet that I inhabit. The danger I realize, lies in the implicit messaging, the images chosen, the people left out.

I’ve been sorting out my thoughts and have approximately 85 drafts on them, so I was thankful to find the Still Processing podcast a few days ago while driving with my HUSBAND to New Orleans to celebrate our wedding which, side note, feels like it was an eternity ago.

To fill the time, I toggled through podcasts (SO MANY PODCASTS) until I landed on Still Processing, a delightful and thought provoking cultural commentary from two New York Times writers, Jenna Wortham and Wesley Morris. In the episode linked, they invited the writer, Taffy Brodesser-Akner, author of the infamous Goop article and they all discuss how Gwyneth became the poster child for wellness and whether GP herself really understands what she’s peddling (spoiler: they don’t think she really, truly grasps what she is actually selling).

Their discussion around rich / white wellness is exactly what I’ve wanted to hear since reading Brodesser-Akner’s article. They tap into the push-pull that surrounds GP, humanizing her, but also discussing what she stands for as someone who is seen as an ideal and literally impossible to achieve for the regular (or really any) person.

My favorite part is when they are reading Brodesser-Akner’s definition of wellness and Jenna says, “I subscribe to all of these,” because wow, I feel the same way, but I’ve been wondering how to balance the subscribe with the problematic elements of exclusion, appropriation, implicit messages on weight loss, etc. Definitely take a listen on your next commute if you’re interested.

What I’m trying to work out I’ve realized is, can we partake in this brand of wellness piecemeal? Do I want GP to acknowledge that her site and business leaves out whole swaths of people or do I just understand that her true audience is wealthy women who have the means both financially and through time to access her products?

Thinking about this makes me wonder how much we all subscribe because we hope that if we follow her recommendations, we’ll become more acceptable through the very narrow lens of mainstream (white) beauty standards.

Are we not shelling out and idolizing these women who through the gene pool and privilege tell us that their status is because of what they eat or buy?

I don’t have the answer, and I’m not sure there is one, but this is what I’ve been thinking about and I’d love to know your thoughts as well. Please feel free to comment below!

Semi related end note: We also listened to Wortham and Morris’ inaugural podcast from 2016 where they touched on Colin Kaepernick’s protests as they were initially unfolding, and wow, hearing them speculate on the possible ramifications is quite the reality check now that we’re two years out.

Not sure if it's because of the #bloodmoon2018 or the upcoming lunar eclipse or just wisdom from living, but I've been getting so many wild spiritual messages over the past few weeks. Leading up to last year and especially over the past year, I've been learning how I can't force myself to grow. For me, patience, surrender, and vulnerability are the keys to spiritual growth. 

To unblock, to grow, to expand 

Paradoxically we must let go 

We let go of the outcome 

We release the reigns 

We let go of the armor and the ideas we’ve had before

We must be born again to the infinite world and possible idea that perhaps we don’t know it all or there is a new way 

We must be open to grow 

And we can’t force it 

It is a natural step

Like a caterpillar 🐛 

Or flower being unfurled 

It’s the beauty in the timing

I used to be intimidated by all the other people doing the same thing I did 

The field is crowded, who will hear my voice?

Yes many teachers teach the same lessons, but how they teach and connect can produce wildly different results and experiences 

Perhaps we will connect with someone that someone else couldn’t hear the lesson from before 

Perhaps we’ve got the approach that speaks to a new person, opening the door for their own experiences and growth

the GOAT GP

My love for Gwyneth Paltrow knows no bounds. I've been reading GOOP for years and have always been a fan. How many articles have been written on her and Goop, hundreds? MILLIONS? WHO IS TO SAY, BUT I CAN SAY THIS WITH THE UTMOST AUTHORITY - THIS IS THE ACTUAL GREATEST ARTICLE OF ALL TIME ON GP. 

IF YOU'VE ALREADY READ IT - THEN YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS FOLLOW UP FROM TOWN AND COUNTRY ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BUTLER AND HOUSE MANAGER. 

And if you, like me had to google Brad Falchuk after reading, then please do yourself a favor and watch this super quick video on goop, this clip of her fiance is life itself, they are clearly SO IN LOVE. 

Things I'm Thinking About: Toxic Friendship

For a while now, I've been thinking about the concept of toxic friendship, a friendship that either has soured or perhaps was an unfair energy balance from the start. It's a topic that frankly, makes me super uncomfortable because it feels SO PERSONAL when we talk about cutting people out.

Letting go of a friendship can be quite difficult, but typically it's a part of growing. Life is nothing but constant change so as we grow and evolve, sometimes we've got to walk away completely or put a little distance between ourselves and others. When we start to sense that a relationship might be taking a toll on our wellbeing. 

I know I make this process extra hard on myself because I don't want to hurt feelings in the process of protecting myself, but I've realized that it's honestly not personal. Walking away from a friendship doesn't make that person or you 'bad,' it just means the relationship created was either bringing out bad habits or traits or perhaps has come to its natural end. 

As I've worked on finding and maintaining proper energy boundaries for myself, I've noticed that when I am forgetting to respond and generally avoidant, that might be a sign that something needs reevaluating. If I leave a hangout and feel drained, then I need to reevaluate how I'm spending my time and if it's my company that might be part of it.

When we find that someone is leaving us drained or otherwise, it's best to take a step back.

In fact, science has proved that friendship can have powerful effects on us, both positive and negative. I'm sure many of us have heard the idea that we're the sum of the 5 people we are closest with, as championed by Tim Ferriss, business and productivity author extraordinaire.

I think there's a lot of value in that type of thinking especially when you're working on a goal, building a business or just generally working on being YOUR BEST SELF. 

The other side of the coin, of course, is in surrounding ourselves with people who add value, positive energy and just generally add joy into our lives. 

Recently the New York Times published a piece called, "The Power of Positive People," which has some strong reminders of all the good that comes from positive relationships. (It's also a v quick read, which is a bonus). 

So what happens if you realize you need to cut the cord? 

One of my favorite blogs, The Chalkboard Mag addressed this recently. Sidenote, It's pretty much the only newsletter that I subscribe to and actually read EVERY SINGLE DAY. If you needed a push to cut the energetic cord of a toxic relationship, there's actually a ritual you can try.

While some may think this falls under extra or exceptionally woo-woo, in IMHO, a ritual or intention can be the missing piece in moving things along. 

More to come on friendship soon, would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.